BotN: Gold’s children urge West Ham signings of Cole, Anelka, Batman, SpongeBob

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West Ham's transfer 'advisors' revealed by Back of the Net's John Foster... 

West Ham’s transfer policy has come under scrutiny as it was revealed that David Gold’s 11-year-old son Brandon has been acting as the club’s chief scout for the past six months.

Brandon Gold publicly called on his father to finalise a deal for Joe Cole, and confirmed that he was interested in bringing Nicolas Anelka to East London, announcing on Twitter that the French star was “cheap, available, and still deadly on FIFA.”

However, Gold also criticised the club’s loan of Marouane Chamakh, fuelling speculation that that deal was arranged by Karren Brady’s 12-year-old nephew Dominic, Gold’s boardroom arch-rival.

“Gutted about Chamakh,” the young, burgundy-blazered executive told his 18,000 Twitter followers, “But at least I’m not Dominic. Dominic smells of wee.”

"Spongebob, I'm hoping you can help us soak up pressure in midfield..."

However, Brandon is facing vocal opposition from his 6-year-old sister Olivia, who has gained allies in the Upton Park boardroom after masterminding the summer signing of Andy Carroll, defying critics who claimed she thought the striker was a My Little Pony.

Olivia Gold is believed to be firmly against the Anelka transfer, preferring that the Irons move for the highly-regarded American superhero Batman.

“Batman offers strength, agility, and most of all, star power,” a spokesman for the infant told FourFourTwo. “If we’re serious about establishing West Ham as a Premier League force, this is the type of signing we should be pursuing.

“Batman looks like a bat,” added the younger Gold. “Also he fights baddies. I like Batman.”
Should Batman prove unrealistic, Olivia has drawn up an alternative list of transfer targets, including Spider-Man, SpongeBob SquarePants, one or more of the Alien Surf Girls, and Stephen Warnock.

Editor's note: this is satire and not a serious accusation - all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid. 

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