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BotN: Gold’s children urge West Ham signings of Cole, Anelka, Batman, SpongeBob

West Ham's transfer 'advisors' revealed byBack of the Net's John Foster... 

West HamâÂÂs transfer policy has come under scrutiny as it was revealed that David GoldâÂÂs 11-year-old son Brandon has been acting as the clubâÂÂs chief scout for the past six months.

Brandon Gold publicly called on his father to finalise a deal for Joe Cole, and confirmed that he was interested in bringing Nicolas Anelka to East London, announcing on Twitter that the French star was âÂÂcheap, available, and still deadly on FIFA.âÂÂ

However, Gold also criticised the clubâÂÂs loan of Marouane Chamakh, fuelling speculation that that deal was arranged by Karren BradyâÂÂs 12-year-old nephew Dominic, GoldâÂÂs boardroom arch-rival.

âÂÂGutted about Chamakh,â the young, burgundy-blazered executive told his 18,000 Twitter followers, âÂÂBut at least IâÂÂm not Dominic. Dominic smells of wee.âÂÂ

"Spongebob, I'm hoping you can help us soak up pressure in midfield..."

However, Brandon is facing vocal opposition from his 6-year-old sister Olivia, who has gained allies in the Upton Park boardroom after masterminding the summer signing of Andy Carroll, defying critics who claimed she thought the striker was a My Little Pony.

Olivia Gold is believed to be firmly against the Anelka transfer, preferring that the Irons move for the highly-regarded American superhero Batman.

âÂÂBatman offers strength, agility, and most of all, star power,â a spokesman for the infant told FourFourTwo. âÂÂIf weâÂÂre serious about establishing West Ham as a Premier League force, this is the type of signing we should be pursuing.

âÂÂBatman looks like a bat,â added the younger Gold. âÂÂAlso he fights baddies. I like Batman.âÂÂâ¨Should Batman prove unrealistic, Olivia has drawn up an alternative list of transfer targets, including Spider-Man, SpongeBob SquarePants, one or more of the Alien Surf Girls, and Stephen Warnock.

Editor's note: this is satire and not a serious accusation - all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid. 

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