BotN: GoldÃ¢ÂÂs children urge West Ham signings of Cole, Anelka, Batman, SpongeBob
West Ham's transfer 'advisors' revealed by Back of the Net's John Foster...
West HamÃ¢ÂÂs transfer policy has come under scrutiny as it was revealed that David GoldÃ¢ÂÂs 11-year-old son Brandon has been acting as the clubÃ¢ÂÂs chief scout for the past six months.
Brandon Gold publicly called on his father to finalise a deal for Joe Cole, and confirmed that he was interested in bringing Nicolas Anelka to East London, announcing on Twitter that the French star was Ã¢ÂÂcheap, available, and still deadly on FIFA.Ã¢ÂÂ
However, Gold also criticised the clubÃ¢ÂÂs loan of Marouane Chamakh, fuelling speculation that that deal was arranged by Karren BradyÃ¢ÂÂs 12-year-old nephew Dominic, GoldÃ¢ÂÂs boardroom arch-rival.
Ã¢ÂÂGutted about Chamakh,Ã¢ÂÂ the young, burgundy-blazered executive told his 18,000 Twitter followers, Ã¢ÂÂBut at least IÃ¢ÂÂm not Dominic. Dominic smells of wee.Ã¢ÂÂ
"Spongebob, I'm hoping you can help us soak up pressure in midfield..."
However, Brandon is facing vocal opposition from his 6-year-old sister Olivia, who has gained allies in the Upton Park boardroom after masterminding the summer signing of Andy Carroll, defying critics who claimed she thought the striker was a My Little Pony.
Olivia Gold is believed to be firmly against the Anelka transfer, preferring that the Irons move for the highly-regarded American superhero Batman.
Ã¢ÂÂBatman offers strength, agility, and most of all, star power,Ã¢ÂÂ a spokesman for the infant told FourFourTwo. Ã¢ÂÂIf weÃ¢ÂÂre serious about establishing West Ham as a Premier League force, this is the type of signing we should be pursuing.
Ã¢ÂÂBatman looks like a bat,Ã¢ÂÂ added the younger Gold. Ã¢ÂÂAlso he fights baddies. I like Batman.Ã¢ÂÂÃ¢ÂÂ¨Should Batman prove unrealistic, Olivia has drawn up an alternative list of transfer targets, including Spider-Man, SpongeBob SquarePants, one or more of the Alien Surf Girls, and Stephen Warnock.
Editor's note: this is satire and not a serious accusation - all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.
More from Back of the Net
Mark Lawrenson spotted buying discounted Christmas crackers
Grumpy Villas-Boas takes negatives from Tottenham performance
Sturridge's Liverpool move held up by fact 'squillion' not a number
Brighton inadvertently sign former England keeper Chris Woods
Giggs causes concern with tendency to invoke 150-year-old rules
Everybody to host Euro 2020, UEFA warn general public