BotN: John Terry inspires team-mates by giving up

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Chelsea captain John Terry is standing tall, as Back of the Net's John Foster explains...

Former England captain John Terry last night announced his retirement from international football, in a move that has been unanimously hailed as ‘inspirational’ and ‘characteristically brave.’

Terry read out his statement personally before the media, his upper lip quivering with courage while patriotic tears rolled slowly down his lion-hearted cheeks.

“The FA’s decision to continue making me the first name on the teamsheet despite these allegations portrays a shameful lack of trust in me,” the Chelsea stalwart told reporters. “The only honourable thing to do in response is to throw a massive flouncy strop.

“I always said I would never turn my back on England,” he continued, from the deck of Roman Abramovich’s yacht off the Dover coast, “And by refusing to play for England, I’ve shown I’m prepared to take the tough decisions before they’re taken for me.”

Handing Terry the armband wasn't McClaren's worst call as England boss

The timing of the announcement, which came on the eve of an FA disciplinary hearing for alleged racial abuse, provides Terry’s many supporters with further evidence that the 31-year old would never walk away from a fight, except for difficult ones.

“Despite the fact that this investigation has been on the cards since July, I decided to delay my retirement until now,” Terry continued, “Because not ducking out of a challenge until the last second shows exactly the type of leader I am.”

Perhaps the most impressive feature of Terry’s statement is the inspiring message it will give to young supporters across the nation, who will surely be encouraged by their idol’s petulant sense of entitlement.

“Winners never quit, except when they do” a spokesman for the player told “Look, JT is a special player, and he deserves special treatment. Otherwise what’s the point of taking part?”

When pressed, Terry confirmed that if England are victorious in an international tournament in his lifetime, he would be prepared to end his retirement just in time for the trophy presentation.

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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