Following recent events, all 200 million residents of Brazil have decided that football, the country’s national sport for more than a hundred years, just isn’t for them. This week has seen a surge in the popularity of art classes and flower-arranging workshops, and a renewed interest in niche sports such as beach volleyball, beach cricket and beach tiddlywinks.
Former football fan Lucio Duarte said: “I really think it’s time I learned to cook. I’m also very interested in gardening and archery all of a sudden, and I’m looking forward to getting started as soon as possible. Ideally this weekend.”
Rio de Janeiro resident Carlos Nascimento reported he had been really into football until Tuesday, when he abruptly realised that it was a stupid game for idiots and certainly wasn’t worth any kind of emotional investment.
He added: “I’m looking at starting a taxidermy club, though I’m keen on whittling and cross-stitch. Anything that doesn’t involve balls or the feet, basically. Also I really want to learn a foreign language, like French or German. Actually, not German.”
Brazil has also confirmed that it is no longer prepared to host the World Cup final on Sunday and has urged FIFA to find an alternative venue, ideally “somewhere where they give two shits about football.” The Maracana is set to be demolished within the week, while the Estadio Minierao will be replaced with a luxury hotel complex called ‘Nothing Happened Here’.
Former footballers Julio Cesar, Daniel Alves and Thiago Silva have decided to open a motorbike repair shop together, while David Luiz has run away to join the circus. Fred and Hulk will continue to do whatever it was they did before.
The whole nation is also considering getting into a different kind of music, as it turns out it’s not possible to do a mournful samba death march.
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