Fulham inform Hangeland of release via LSD-induced hallucination
Hangeland has been released from his contract, the club confirmed in a series of drug-induced visions.
Felix Magath’s priority for the summer is to prepare for next season by removing any quality players from his squad who may be bullied in the Championship for being different.
Hangeland is one of the first to see his contract terminated, and the club passed this information onto the Norway international courtesy of a talking imp suckling the teet of a nine-headed Magath who was playing ‘Do I Wanna Know’ by the Arctic Monkeys on a ukulele made of camembert.
While Hangeland remarked bitterly that he expected a different send-off, suggesting "a meeting in an office" or "a message in a fortune cookie", the club have insisted they convey all major decisions to their players via psychedelic whimsy.
“We regret that Brede feels slighted, but it is club protocol [to inform players of the termination of their contract by sending them on an acid trip],” a club spokesman insisted.
“It should also be pointed out that at least one of Magath’s nine grotesque heads conveyed the appreciation of everyone at the club for Brede’s efforts and wished him all the best for the future.
“If anything he should feel lucky: we told Dimitar Berbatov by injecting heroin into his eyeball.”