The Gossipy Weekend Predictions - Round 2

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Valladolid vs Atlético Madrid

Right. La Liga Loca is putting its slightly manky club foot down. It cannae take any more. Already jiggery and jittery over the universe ending, England looking good and Marca writing nice things about Lewis Hamilton, the blog will not stand anymore freakery.

The icing on the blog’s cracking-up cake was reports from Atleti’s latest training session which described shiny, happy, people full of footballing fun and frolics. There was even a picture of a grinning Javier Aguirre trying to boot Leo Franco up the backside.

One man who is determined to put an end to this lunacy is shouty Valladolid coach, José Luis Mendilibar, who notes that the rojiblancos are “in a moment of euphoria and on the crest of a wave. Let’s see how long that lasts.”

LLL Prediction - Away win.

Mendilibar: Ready to bring Atletico down a peg or two

Barcelona vs Racing Santander

Hand-balling hedonist, Diego Maradona, is no longer welcome in the Kingdom of Catalunya. That’s the opinion of Sport who have taken umbrage to the Argentinean daring to have a pop at Leo Messi’s selfish footballing stylings. “Sometimes, he only plays for himself,” sniffed Maradona.

“He has turned into a caricature of himself after years of excess,” was the rage-filled response from a fuming Lluis Mascaró, whose column was headed by the legend “a clown called Maradona.”

Meanwhile, Joan ‘Joan’ Laporta is continuing to defend his team’s lacklustre and lukewarm performance in the crucial Catalunya Cup which saw the Barça reserves suffering a serious setback at the semi-final stage, like Ever Banega during a power cut.

“We are the team with the most Catalunya Cup wins and with a change in format, I’m confident it will stay that way.”

By ‘change in format’ La Liga Loca suspects Laporta may be talking about an immediate final berth for Barcelona and a 15-goal lead. Or 20, if they are playing Espanyol.

LLL Prediction - Home win.

Sevilla vs Sporting

The award for the blog’s bitter as a bilious biscuit award - normally won by La Liga Loca, itself - is Sevilla reject, Khalid Boulahrouz. The defender has lashed out against his old club, in fine tabloid style, but from the safety of the Bundesliga.

“In Sevilla, there was very little professionalism. Everything went slowly and there wasn’t a lot of urgency,” revealed the Dutchman.

‘Talk to the hand’ says the Sevilla-loving La Liga Loca in valley-girl mode. Whatever approach to life the club did have, it seemed to work considering they have been staggeringly successful for the past couple of years.

Unlike their city rivals who, as we find out later, have followed the same fundamental lazy-arsed philosophy but with very different results.

LLL Prediction - Home win.


Malaga vs Athletic

It’s already make or break for Athletic Bilbao on Sunday after a first round hammering in San Mamés by Almería. On the occasion of their 3-1 humbling, there were boisterous boos from the less than harmonious home fans for Fran Yeste and Javier Casas.

La Liga Loca dug around to find out why these two were singled out for special attention and asked a potty-mouthed Athletic supporting acquaintance for the reason. “Because one missed a penalty and the other is s**t,” was the firm response.

LLL Prediction  - Draw.

Recreativo vs Espanyol

With the thudding inevitability of another Marca story concerning Real Madrid’s concerns over tattoos - really, is that the best you can do. Three days now! - Espanyol have announced that their new stadium won’t be ready for its expected grand opening early next year.

Club president, Daniel Sánchez Llibre revealed that due to a lack of road access, water and lights, there may be a teeny, tiny delay to their new home.

The upside is that surprising new signing, Steve Finnan, gets an extra few months to soak in the surroundings of the Montjuic at a side he couldn’t be happier to play for.

“It’s exciting to be going to a great club in Spain. But I didn’t want to leave Liverpool,” confessed the full-back.

LLL Prediction - Draw

"I don't really want to be here, weather's nice though..." 

Getafe vs Betis

Betis really is the journalistic gift that just keeps giving. La Liga Loca is down on its hands and knees praying to a gallery of idols that Darth de Lopera never leaves the club.

With the majority shareholder having claimed that the squad was the best in Betis’ history, Paco Chaparro dismissed this assertion by arguing that the greatest group of players were “the ones that won the league in 1934.”

For all the blog knows, Paco may have been part of that squad. Despite his suspiciously nifty hair, La Liga Loca suspects the Betis boss may well be pushing 145 this year.

The other riveting revelation from barking-mad Betis was new stories concerning their renowned mean and miserly, penny-pinching ways. Edu admitted that the team’s physical preparations are made all the more harder because “the gym is not in the best of conditions.”

Like saying that Guti is no Einstein, that seems to be some understatement. Marca report that the gym measures just 20 metres by 10, has neither air conditioning nor heating and hasn’t seen the arrival of a new piece of equipment for 10 years.

Puppet president, Pepe Leon, also admitted that the dressing room wasn’t up to scratch, either. “Last season the players told us they would be willing to give up part of their bonus for a better one.”

LLL Prediction - Home win

Villarreal vs Deportivo

This week’s news from Sweden has a strangely Satanic feel to it. Take it away,

“A couple from Umeå in northern Sweden is upset about state authorities branding their new-born baby girl with the sign of the devil.

When her birth was registered with Sweden’s Tax Authority, the couple’s daughter received a personal identity number (personnummer) ending in 666.

“Our little girl isn’t a wicked beast and shouldn’t have to suffer for having the symbolism in her personal identity number,” the girl’s father told the Västerbottens-Kuriren newspaper.”

LLL Prediction - Home win.

Mallorca vs Osasuna


LLL Prediction - Home win

Real Madrid vs Numancia

Another wonderful week in Castle Greyskull draws to a close. Over the past few delightful days, Lord of the Flies, Pedja Mijatovic, confirmed that a bid was made for David Villa, contradicting Ramón Calderón's earlier assertions.

Sport wrote that sporting director, Raúl, vetoed the signing of the Valencia striker, causing a rift between himself and Iker Casillas who was all for the move.

Casillas: Horrendous... apparently 

COPE radio accused the Madrid president of fixing the season-ticket waiting list in favour of friends and family. And Nicholas Cage.

But the best bit of banter was wrinkly ex-goalkeeper and all round loon, Hugo Gatti, claiming that Casillas was a “horrendous goalkeeper... who does not know the abc of the job.”

Ensuring that he is never employed by the Iker-loving AS ever again, Gatti also said that “he never attacks the ball. What happens is that he makes a save in important games which helps the team win. For this reason, there’s a lot of repercussions.”

LLL Prediction - Home win.