Mourning Stories and Morning Glories
After several days spent wandering the gold-paved streets of Hove pondering the conundrum of how some herbs and melted cheese stuffed in a focaccia can cost seven pounds frickin' fifty, La Liga Loca has returned poorer but no wiser to sunny Spain.
And very little appears to have changed. Not even the government.
Real Madrid are still the greatest team in the multi-verse says the fantastically deranged TomÃÂ¡s Roncero of AS and Barcelona are a lost cause according to Mundo Deportivo, just two weeks after the paper decreed that it was the Catalan club who was the greatest thing since Hot and Spicy flavoured Monster Munch.
"Barcelona lose Messi and everything falls apart," grumbled the editorial.
JesÃÂºs "Lucas Alcaraz will continue. We're in a tough situation but it's not a problem with the coach" Samper of Murcia decided to dispense with services of his coach and give the Iran-spurning, fatwah-dodging Javier Clemente a job on the grounds that he has known him for some time Ã¢ÂÂ the reason why an honest, hard-working gal can't get a decent gig in this town.
Clemente's side got hammered 3-0 at home by Getafe on Sunday, before the new man at the helm helpfully declared that "If any player feels bad, they should go to a psychiatrist." La Liga Loca suspects Clemente could recommend one or two.
Getafe are still putting their two city rivals to shame. Despite having spent approximately 170 million euros less over the summer, Michael Laudrup's men are on the brink of the Copa del Rey final, still in Europe and doing quite well in the league, all things considered.
The same cannot be said for AtlÃÂ©tico Madrid, who suffered the indignity of losing to Real Zaragoza but opted for blaming the whole affair on the referee. Again.
"I have to be so careful as they always give fouls against me. It's not normal," complained the hand-balling, diving, spitting, referee-abusing Sergio Aguero.
But the Spanish federation will be rocked back on their heels on Tuesday morning, when they receive a strongly-worded letter of complaint from a group of AtlÃÂ©tico fan clubs complaining at the outrageous treatment being handed out to the Champions League-blowing rojiblancos, this season.
"The fan clubs of AtlÃÂ©tico Madrid ask once more for respect," began the diatribe which would have had more weight had the club not just been fined for the tenth time for a lack of crowd control and allowing explosives being let off during home matches Ã¢ÂÂ something La Liga Loca can confirm is not good for the heart.
El Mundo have woken up and decided, not unreasonably, that Real Madrid Ã¢ÂÂ and therefore the entire Spanish
league Ã¢ÂÂ suck.
"The Premier League is light years ahead in economic power, attractiveness and football," it wrote, pointing out the general hopelessness of Spain's top teams.
The bigwigs of Castle Greyskull have decided to move on from the whole failing in the Champions League quarter-finals for the fourth time in a row business, with AS's TomÃÂ¡s Roncero leading the way and giving a terrifying insight into his private life.
"Yesterday I got up very early. Real Madrid's eight points lead made me excited," wrote TomÃÂ¡s with scary Ever Banega implications. But Mrs Roncero was unavailable to help with his morning glory. She was out doing other womanly duties.
"My wife brought me the latest hot edition of AS from the kiosk," where he got to see Real Madrid top of the league, Castilla top of something and the basketball team doing well.
"Real Madrid are number one. In everything", he purred.
La Liga Loca briefly stood next to TomÃÂ¡s Roncero a couple of weeks ago. But it couldn't decide whether to shake him by the hand or whack him repeatedly over the head with a copy of Grada. So, being a big-mouthed, all talk and no trousers coward, it did nothing at all.
Meanwhile, most of the papers appear to have ignored RamÃÂ³n CalderÃÂ³n making a complete t*t of himself on Saturday night by handing over a personalised Real Madrid top, a signed shirt from Robinho and a credit card to Nicolas Cage Ã¢ÂÂ or rather, an Italian comedian doing an impersonation of Nicolas Cage.
It's good to be back.