David Cameron. Gerard PiqueâÂÂs apparent fascination with Breaking Bad. The weather. Garth Crooksâ team of the week. The state of Syria. Shark attacks. Thatcherism. David BowieâÂÂs cat.
If you hadnâÂÂt guessed already (why wouldnâÂÂt you?), theyâÂÂre all excuses Harry Redknapp didnâÂÂt think of to justify QPRâÂÂs relegation from the Premier League this season.
Last SundayâÂÂs snoozy stalemate against Reading was enough to confirm both sidesâ places in the Championship next season on the kind of afternoon Marilyn Manson would have enjoyed. A day later Redknapp, two years left on his contract, pledged his future to the club amid speculation of a premature departure from Loftus Road.
Then his Tottenham Hotspur side finished fourth, missing out on a Champions League play-off by way of ChelseaâÂÂs continent-conquering campaign. Spurs gave him the boot after a new contract was not agreed.
Perhaps taking the Ukraine job would have been easier. But picturing Redknapp sipping Kompot in Kiev is like John Prescott realising his dreams* and emulating Baryshnikov â i.e. never going to happen (hopefully). Now he faces his greatest challenge yet â turning this bulging, underperforming and overpaid squad into promotion material at the first time of asking.
Tony Fernandes has given his backing to both Mark Hughes and Redknapp this season, but now the summer months will be spent clearing up the expensive mistakes made by all three. You wonâÂÂt hear too much blame aimed towards Redknapp in all of this, partially because the man himself has kindly apportioned it for us.
âÂÂI would be lying if I said there weren't splits in the camp here," he said. "That has been obvious for everyone to see all year. It has been a big problem, I think."
Hughes made several poor signings and paid the price, while Fernandesâ misguided generosity at the negotiation table has created a squad plagued with nonchalance and imbalance.
But Redknapp should know better - after all, financial mistakes almost cost Portsmouth their existence. In January he splashed over ã20 million on Christopher Samba and Loic Remy alone, while the arrival of Jermaine Jenas from former club Spurs wonâÂÂt have gone without cost. WeâÂÂre still scratching our heads as to why these squad-harmony tactics didnâÂÂt work.
Now Redknapp must wield the knife. "We've got to come up with a couple of right players with the good players we already have,â the flustered RâÂÂs chief admitted last week. âÂÂThe ones we want to keep â I'm sure we'll keep them. The silly thing about this game is quite often the ones you want to keep are the ones who want to go and the ones you'd like to let go they don't want to go."
In other words, good players want to leave underperforming clubs, and those on astronomical wages donâÂÂt. Julio Cesar, Djibril Cisse, Joey Barton and Remy are almost certain to leave, while question marks will hover over Samba just months after his arrival from Anzhi Makhachkala. Esteban Granero, Samba Diakite and Stephane Mbia are all unlikely to fancy a stint in English footballâÂÂs second tier.
Essentially it may leave the west Londoners with a similar core to that which saw them promoted to the top flight so impressively two years ago (although at what damage to the clubâÂÂs finances remains to be seen). Shaun Derry, Clint Hill and Jamie Mackie are likely to prove pivotal once again but Adel TaarabtâÂÂs short-term future too will fall under scrutiny (after netting a dazzling 19 league goals in that promotion campaign).
Worryingly but perhaps not surprisingly, however, Redknapp is already discussing incomings rather than the inevitable exits. Fernandes may have an estimated net worth of almost ã400m but even he wonâÂÂt be considering handing over the chequebook without a few sales first.
This is not the first club Redknapp has taken to the Championship, having failed to keep Southampton up in similar circumstances eight seasons ago. There he remained at St MaryâÂÂs until December before resigning and returning to Portsmouth days later.
But in the words of our man himself, heâÂÂs not a f**king wheeler-dealer now is he?
*May not be John PrescottâÂÂs lifelong ambition.
