The window-slamming, shirt-burning Premier Preview

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Pinch, punch, first of the month, and you feel that pseudo-rhyme may be on the lips of many a Premier League manager as he kicks his director of football and/or chairman square in the groin for failing to bring in the players he needs.

Yes, the transfer window is closed, bringing an end to maniacal ravings from all corners of the footballing globe and giving Sky Sports News a free reign to cover sports other than the beautiful game for once â a chance they will obviously take. Obviously.

Some clubs have been busier than others in the cattle market, and though this is a preview blog, it would be off not to review the successes and failures of the transfer window, wouldn't it? Yes, it would.

A last-minute swoop for 19-year-old forward Apostolos Vallios from Iraklis Thessaloniki may not have been every Everton fan's idea of a replacement for the sadly departed Steven Pienaar, but never let it be said the Toffees don't look towards the future. This would be why they've let ageing carthorse Yakubu out on loan to Leicester, where he's already showing that he's not, well, an ageing carthorseâ¦

Arsenal have been quiet, but are similarly keen to let players out on loan, though they're much more of the youngster variety. Holed up in hotels for the foreseeable future are Aaron Ramsey, Gavin Hoyte, Henri Lansbury and Jay 'JET' Emmanuel-Thomas, among others, including the superbly named Wellington Silva, an 18-year-old forward temporarily at Levante.

What wonâÂÂt happen: Any kind of system whereby teams with amusingly-named players are given bonus points, unfortunately

What will happen: Home win despite the Gunners being hamstrung (ho ho) by Samir Nasri's absence.

When Lampard is injured, Chelsea's midfield of Essien, Ramires and Mikel lacks ingenuity, and having Malouda further back down the pitch to pick up the ball and make things happen could enhance their attacking options, especially if they have Torres and Drogba on the end of any plays.

Sunderland paid ã6 million for Beninianianian (Beninise? Beninish?) midfielder Stephane Sessegnon, but stealing Sulley Muntari away from Inter on loan could end up being a deal of better value. The third Ghanaian (Ghanaish? Ghanaese?) at the Stadium of Light still has a lot to prove and knows the Premier League already.

What wonâÂÂt happen: Torres to score a hat-trick on debut and reveal a T-shirt with an image of Roman Abramovic holding Bill Shankly and Bob Paisley in a double headlock on it.


"His burning shirt caused toxic fumes - Torres, Torres..."

Who'd be Anders Lindegaard, eh? You sign for ã3.5 million and already everyone is discussing who will be Edwin van der Sar's replacement. Time to prove himself beyond all measure, and a safe game between the sticks here would be a good start.

Brad Guzan's loan move to Hull, bizarrely coinciding with Vito Mannone's shift at the same club, defeating the object of the keepers moving to get first-team football, means the Villans' deputy dawg is now 35-year-old Andy Marshall, still young enough to Brad Friedel's illegitimate grandchild.

Selling Steve Sidwell was wise; Curtis Davies, perhaps less so. Loaning out Stephen Ireland, John Carew, Isaiah Osbourne and Jonathan Hogg shows innovation, too, as does the purchase of Jean Makoun and Daddy's Boy Michael Bradley.

What wonâÂÂt happen: So many new faces to settle at Villa straightaway, even if Bent did score on debut

Snapping up Carlos Vela on loan could be a brilliant signing for West Brom, presuming, of course, that they can put themselves 3-0 up at every opportunity so the Mexican can slot into his usual 10-minute two-goal game-already-won cameo role. If not, it could be an interesting scenario. "Hang on, gaffer â we're not winning. In fact, we're losing. What am I supposed to do in this situation?"

Frankly, it's bizarre a Latics side threatened so intensely by the doom-laden spectre of relegation have been so quiet, ã600k deal for Kilmarnock's Conor Sammon aside. Take a look at the picture on his Wikipedia page. That's what ã600k gets you these days.

Still, it's good to see these two teams on TV for a change. ThatâÂÂs a nice token from Sky Sports, who know midweek fixtures bring fewer viewers and that there are few better alternative games anyway. Time to crank up the relegation-hype-ometer and tick one off of the rota.

What wonâÂÂt happen: A thriller, sadly, despite the presence of two attacking teams

Whisper it but the Sheikhs of Manchester have been oddly quiet, Edin Dzeko the only real signing. Some of the chaff has been thrown on the compost heap, too, with Adebayor, Bridge and Santa Cruz all departing on loan. This is almost approaching sensible business. It won't last.

What wonâÂÂt happen: Birmingham to go down

A ã3.5 million late snap-up of Mauro Formica represents some fascinating business by Venky's Rovers, as does a loan move for Barcelona's Ruben Rochina. The chicken magnates will be hoping Formica, bought straight from the Argentine leagues, is less of a balls-up than Wigan's capture of Mauro Boselli.

Charlie Adam may have been lured away from Blackpool with the club being remunerated an eight-figure sum (the bid was in excess of Liverpool's ã10m), but the offer was made too late in the day to secure signatures from all the required shareholders â this at the end of a month of opportunity. That, my friends, is amateur hour.

And the less said about the ã500,000 bid for Phil Neville, the better.

What wonâÂÂt happen: Quite possibly, Ledley King to feature in any serious capacity again for Spurs: he undergoes groin surgery tomorrow, and given his luck...


"Aguero...wait, Rossi. What aboutForlan? Errrrm, Phil Neville? No? Balls..."

You do wonder what some players think when they choose to move to West Ham, a team seemingly destined to be relegated this season. For Gary O'Neil, it is at least a temporary step up from Middlesbrough, but you feel Robbie Keane and Hoffenheim's Demba Ba could do better.

But what is desperation for first-team football on Keane's part is an absolute bargain on West Ham's, especially given Spurs originally said the Irishman was not to depart except on a permanent deal. And ã3m recouped for Valon Behrami, sold to Fiorentina, will please the beancounters huddled away in a windowless room under Upton Park.

What wonâÂÂt happen: Reid and Beattie are both sent off on debut, getting into a punch-up over who gets the top bunk

Since Bolton's reserves are so crap, apparently, that Owen Coyle refuses to let them warm the bench, it's a bit surprising the Scot hasn't tried to bring in more players during the transfer window.

Daniel Sturridge is an excellent signing on loan, and David Wheater just what they need at the back (a man who looks like The Beast in Disney's The Beauty and David Wheater), but you expected a few more bargain buys to make their way through the Reebok's back door.

Wolves have shown the faultless ambition that sees them 19th in the table, snapping up Jamie O'Hara and Adam Hammill. In fairness â turning into Jamie Redknapp here â the pair could literally be good signings, but they're not game-changers, or indeed, season-changers, Richard.

Similarly, Adriano Basso is a superb third-choice keeper for any Premier League team, but even on a free transfer the 35-year-old won't set Molineux alight.

And one more thing: buying Jelle van Damme - ã2.5m. Selling Jelle van Damme after six appearances - ã2.5m. The name Jelle van Damme â priceless.

What wonâÂÂt happen: The Belgian's buddy Marmalade Seagal to join on a free

Gael Kakuta and Eidur Gudjohnsen, strangely not wanted by Stoke, are two highly impressive loan signings for Fulham. Newcastle's equivalent is the recently much-traveled Stephen Ireland, who would struggle to settle into a ridiculous tattoos convention at the moment.

And believe it or not, Toon fans, there is life after Andy Carroll. A couple have feared for the club's safety now that The Man Known As Horse has gone (for ã35m!), but they needn't worry.

What wonâÂÂt happen: As easy a game for Fulham as they had on Sunday

Making Jermaine Pennant's deal permanent was good news for the Potters, as was stealing John Carew away from Villa. He'll fit into their style of play nicely, just as fancy-pants flair boys Tuncay (now at Wolfsburg) and Eidur Gudjohnsen (Fulham) didn't.

But rather than get into another unhealthy debate about the rationality of some Liverpool fans - the shirt-burners were after publicity more than anything else anyway - it's worth taking a look at the final result of that frantic final day of the transfer window.

Liverpool have, essentially, paid ã7.5m plus Fernando Torres for the services of Luis Suarez and Andy Carroll. There's no way Torres should have parted company for ã50m - even in football terms, he's not worth that - but it does mean Liverpool have come out all right.

Even the frankly ridiculous sum of money paid for Andy Carroll, a man with one cap and into his second season of top-tier football, now one of the most expensive footballers of all time, has been all but wiped out by the Torres transfer. It's absurd that over ã100m would be exchanged on any footballers, of course, but Suarez, Torres and Carroll - well, that just takes the proverbial bourbon.

It's also bad news for those who bet big on Torres to stay with Liverpool at pathetic odds of 1/8.

What wonâÂÂt happen: A stylish away win

What will happen: The Dalglish bandwagon rumbles on

Huw Davies

Huw was on the FourFourTwo staff from 2009 to 2015, ultimately as the magazine's Managing Editor, before becoming a freelancer and moving to Wales. As a writer, editor and tragic statto, he still contributes regularly to FFT in print and online, though as a match-going #WalesAway fan, he left a small chunk of his brain on one of many bus journeys across France in 2016.