The Spurs boss is far from full of festive cheer, reports Back of the Net's John Foster...
A gloomy-looking AndrÃÂ© Villas-Boas has refused to discuss the positive aspects of TottenhamÃ¢ÂÂs result against Aston Villa, preferring instead to focus on the downsides of his sideÃ¢ÂÂs 4-0 win.
Four second-half strikes including a wonderful hat trick from Gareth Bale saw Spurs romp home to climb back into fourth place, but victorious manager Villas-Boas, wearing a shabby, stained overcoat and sporting a thick beard, refused to engage with questions about his sideÃ¢ÂÂs superlative display.
Ã¢ÂÂI know you [journalists] will want to talk about Gareth BaleÃ¢ÂÂs hat-trick,Ã¢ÂÂ the ex-Chelsea boss said after the game. Ã¢ÂÂBut I wish youÃ¢ÂÂd focus on the negatives for once. If Marc Albrighton hadnÃ¢ÂÂt wasted his chance in stoppage time, weÃ¢ÂÂd be looking at 4-1, and thatÃ¢ÂÂs a very different picture.Ã¢ÂÂ
eÃ¢ÂÂOkay, the second half was good, but did you see the first? What a pathetic advert for the Premier League that was,Ã¢ÂÂ he continued. Ã¢ÂÂSandro was off the pace, Naughton looked like he wasnÃ¢ÂÂt trying, and Bale didnÃ¢ÂÂt even score once.Ã¢ÂÂ
Ã¢ÂÂIf we keep that up, and stop storing goals, and make a lot of other mistakes, and have an epidemic of injuries, then thereÃ¢ÂÂs no way weÃ¢ÂÂre finishing in the top half.Ã¢ÂÂ
Villas-Boas went on to bemoan the Birmingham weather and the hardness of the Villa Park dugout, before turning his ire on Christmas, which he called Ã¢ÂÂa miserable orgy of materialism, false jollity and familial loathing.Ã¢ÂÂ
Seasoned Portuguese football-watchers observed that this behavior is par for the course for Villas-Boas.
Ã¢ÂÂItÃ¢ÂÂs the time of year. AndrÃÂ© hates Christmas,Ã¢ÂÂ explained Lisbon-based journalist Paulo GualtÃÂ©rio. Ã¢ÂÂHe was notorious back in Porto for going on and on about how much he disliked sprouts and turkey and presents. If you gave him a really good glass of port, heÃ¢ÂÂd find something disparaging to say about its mouthfeel and criticize your cheese.Ã¢ÂÂ
When informed that Aston Villa manager Paul Lambert had been effusive in his praise for SpursÃ¢ÂÂ attacking pair of Jermain Defoe and Emmanuel Adebayor, Villas-Boas rolled his eyes.
Ã¢ÂÂYou want to talk about Defoe? He was off the pace all game. Adebayor? Stupid hair. And Bale? If heÃ¢ÂÂs so good, how come thatÃ¢ÂÂs only his second career hat-trick? We were lucky, and also, everyone you love will die one day.Ã¢ÂÂ
Asked for his view on puppies, Villas-Boas commented that they fart a lot, and concluded the press conference with a ten-minute long screed about the carcinogenic properties of chocolate.
Editor's note: this is satire and not a serious accusation - all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.
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