The Spurs boss is far from full of festive cheer, reports Back of the Net's John Foster...
A gloomy-looking André Villas-Boas has refused to discuss the positive aspects of TottenhamâÂÂs result against Aston Villa, preferring instead to focus on the downsides of his sideâÂÂs 4-0 win.
Four second-half strikes including a wonderful hat trick from Gareth Bale saw Spurs romp home to climb back into fourth place, but victorious manager Villas-Boas, wearing a shabby, stained overcoat and sporting a thick beard, refused to engage with questions about his sideâÂÂs superlative display.
âÂÂI know you [journalists] will want to talk about Gareth BaleâÂÂs hat-trick,â the ex-Chelsea boss said after the game. âÂÂBut I wish youâÂÂd focus on the negatives for once. If Marc Albrighton hadnâÂÂt wasted his chance in stoppage time, weâÂÂd be looking at 4-1, and thatâÂÂs a very different picture.âÂÂ
eâÂÂOkay, the second half was good, but did you see the first? What a pathetic advert for the Premier League that was,â he continued. âÂÂSandro was off the pace, Naughton looked like he wasnâÂÂt trying, and Bale didnâÂÂt even score once.âÂÂ
âÂÂIf we keep that up, and stop storing goals, and make a lot of other mistakes, and have an epidemic of injuries, then thereâÂÂs no way weâÂÂre finishing in the top half.âÂÂ
Villas-Boas went on to bemoan the Birmingham weather and the hardness of the Villa Park dugout, before turning his ire on Christmas, which he called âÂÂa miserable orgy of materialism, false jollity and familial loathing.âÂÂ
Seasoned Portuguese football-watchers observed that this behavior is par for the course for Villas-Boas.
âÂÂItâÂÂs the time of year. André hates Christmas,â explained Lisbon-based journalist Paulo Gualtério. âÂÂHe was notorious back in Porto for going on and on about how much he disliked sprouts and turkey and presents. If you gave him a really good glass of port, heâÂÂd find something disparaging to say about its mouthfeel and criticize your cheese.âÂÂ
When informed that Aston Villa manager Paul Lambert had been effusive in his praise for Spursâ attacking pair of Jermain Defoe and Emmanuel Adebayor, Villas-Boas rolled his eyes.
âÂÂYou want to talk about Defoe? He was off the pace all game. Adebayor? Stupid hair. And Bale? If heâÂÂs so good, how come thatâÂÂs only his second career hat-trick? We were lucky, and also, everyone you love will die one day.âÂÂ
Asked for his view on puppies, Villas-Boas commented that they fart a lot, and concluded the press conference with a ten-minute long screed about the carcinogenic properties of chocolate.
Editor's note: this is satire and not a serious accusation - all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.
More from Back of the Net
Sturridge's Liverpool move held up by fact 'squillion' not a number
Brighton inadvertently sign former England keeper Chris Woods
Giggs causes concern with tendency to invoke 150-year-old rules
Everybody to host Euro 2020, UEFA warn general publicMan Utd confirm Nemanja Vidic ready for new injury
Real Madrid to leave Jose Mourinho at the end of the season
All Back of the Net blogs >>
