The Forgetful Fresh Prince Premier Previews
As Christmas approaches, the same words are on everybodyÃ¢ÂÂs lips: whoÃ¢ÂÂs on the move in the January transfer window?
Van Nistelrooy to Blackburn, Pavlyuchenko to Liverpool, Pavlyuchenko to Arsenal (thereÃ¢ÂÂs no accounting for stupidity) Ã¢ÂÂ rumours are flying through the air like t*ts in a strip club, but with considerably less scrutiny.
Two of the more intriguing pieces of gossip involve Everton signing Yankee striker Landon Donovan Ã¢ÂÂ Government-backed espionage ahead of EnglandÃ¢ÂÂs World Cup meeting with the USA Ã¢ÂÂ and an equally wily scheme that may see Sol Campbell move to Manchester United.
A serious point here: for footballÃ¢ÂÂs sake, let's hope this doesnÃ¢ÂÂt happen.
Bringing Sol to the biggest club in the world would be to reward him for walking out on Notts County one month into a five-year contract (having probably moved there to be a big fish in a small pond in the first place).
He doesnÃ¢ÂÂt deserve it.
A less serious point: Michael Owen to United, then Sol Campbell? Who next, Jamie Redknapp?
Birmingham vs West Ham
Two weeks ago ZolaÃ¢ÂÂs Hammers (werenÃ¢ÂÂt they an Ã¢ÂÂ80s hair metal group?) climbed out of the relegation zone like a bow-legged drunk out of a folding sofa, but they rarely threatened at home to Manchester United last weekend.
General Franco has been something of a revelation, but theyÃ¢ÂÂre really going to miss ColeÃ¢ÂÂs goals until he returns in January.
Like The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air viewers, opposition defenders are happier when CarltonÃ¢ÂÂs not around.
The Blues, meanwhile, have to contend with nasty nosebleeds. Ninth? Blimey.
What wonÃ¢ÂÂt happen: Joe Hart to finish higher in the league with Birmingham than he would with Manchester City. ShameWhat will happen: Brum to go a seventh consecutive match unbeaten; a draw makes it an incredible 15 points from seven games
An international cap. Heh heh
Bolton vs Manchester City
They only bloody did it.
After seven Ã¢ÂÂ SEVEN Ã¢ÂÂ league draws in a row against the likes of Hull, Wigan and a travel-sick Burnley, SparkyÃ¢ÂÂs Millionaires (werenÃ¢ÂÂt they a brand of chocolate box in the Ã¢ÂÂ90s?) went and won against league leaders Chelsea of all teams.
ThereÃ¢ÂÂs no way of predicting what theyÃ¢ÂÂll do next, which makes my job a little tricky.
Losing a relegation six-pointer to Wolves will have hit Bolton hard, and MegsonÃ¢ÂÂs criticism of the players afterwards wonÃ¢ÂÂt have helped morale.
Pot, kettle, racist, etc.
What wonÃ¢ÂÂt happen: The visitors to use their rising swine flu count (now at four) as an attack, coughing on Bolton defenders at corners. City with swine flu, United in an injury crisis Ã¢ÂÂ whatÃ¢ÂÂs going on in Manchester anyway?What will happen: Going for City to win. Which means they wonÃ¢ÂÂt. Sorry, City fans
Burnley vs Fulham
Roy HodgsonÃ¢ÂÂs men keep knock-knock-knockinÃ¢ÂÂ on RafaÃ¢ÂÂs door: a win at Burnley would see them overtake Liverpool if the Reds go down to Arsenal.
For Burnley, this match starts a run of three games in four on home Turf (Moor), destined to coincide strangely with a climb up the table.
What wonÃ¢ÂÂt happen: Bobby Zamora to get an England call-up for the World Cup finals. Come on, Hodgson, you donÃ¢ÂÂt have AlzheimerÃ¢ÂÂs yetWhat will happen: Ã¢ÂÂBurnley away, points go astray; Burnley at home, they come back to roam.Ã¢ÂÂ Score draw
Chelsea vs Everton
Essien joins the limping ranks of ChelseaÃ¢ÂÂs walking wounded, while EvertonÃ¢ÂÂs crippled crew numbers a small army.
Quick, someone make a charity record Ã¢ÂÂ that Ã¢ÂÂHeroesÃ¢ÂÂ album for fallen soldiers has nothing on these two.
What wonÃ¢ÂÂt happen: Chelsea to be as generous to the Toffees as Spurs wereWhat will happen: Home win
Hull vs Blackburn
Jimmy Ã¢ÂÂThe LadÃ¢ÂÂ Bullard has been ruled out for six to eight weeks, giving Phil Ã¢ÂÂThe MadÃ¢ÂÂ Brown headaches IÃ¢ÂÂd like to inflict on him more personally.
Which footballing deity the November Player of the Month has offended to receive this sentence, the Valderrama Football Hair God or the Fowler Comedy Celebration God, is uncertain.
Still, it should give Big SamÃ¢ÂÂs Rovers (werenÃ¢ÂÂt they a '70s Irish folk band?) a boost ahead of their first away game in four fixtures.
What wonÃ¢ÂÂt happen: An away win could propel Blackburn into the top half. It wonÃ¢ÂÂt, because they wonÃ¢ÂÂt get oneWhat will happen: Even without The Lad, Hull grab three points. Gits.
L to R: Diouf, Roberts, McCarthy, Nelsen, Pedersen
Manchester United vs Aston Villa
If Villa are ever going to do it, it has to be now.
They havenÃ¢ÂÂt won at Old Trafford since 1863, when football was known as Ã¢ÂÂsoccyballÃ¢ÂÂ and the teams were 17-a-side. Villa won 19-12, despite a debut brace from Ryan Giggs.
The Red Devils welcome back at least one defender with open arms, as the Vidic Virus moves across Manchester to plague City some more.
Any flu virus that can take down Nemanja Vidic is a flu virus to be reckoned with.
UnitedÃ¢ÂÂs back four keeps its makeshift Blue Peter Ã¢ÂÂHereÃ¢ÂÂs one we made five secondsÃ¢ÂÂ ago vibe, though, with Carrick and Fletcher continuing to deputise in defence.
Despite his hat-trick against Wolfsburg, Michael Owen warms the bench as substitute right-back.
What wonÃ¢ÂÂt happen: A historic Villa victory (it was actually 1983, by the way)What will happen: A distinctly unhistoric United victory
Stoke vs Wigan
At the time of writing itÃ¢ÂÂs not clear exactly what happened between Tony Pulis and James Beattie, but suffice it to say theyÃ¢ÂÂre not spending their nights spooning.
The rumour mill is a-churning. Some say Beattie will beat it 18 months before his designated contract end, and that Pulis isnÃ¢ÂÂt going to stand in his way.
Some say both men have apologised to each other and to the team.
All we know is...
What wonÃ¢ÂÂt happen: Beattie to leave. The managerÃ¢ÂÂs too wise to let him go over a minor bust-up, and the striker must realise heÃ¢ÂÂs onto a good thing at Stoke Ã¢ÂÂ in the top half of the Prem way past his primeWhat will happen: Wigan to nab a draw, the cheeky scamps
Sunderland vs Portsmouth
Ã¢ÂÂCrisis? What crisis?Ã¢ÂÂ come the noises from behind the sofa at Fratton Park, with leaders of the Pomp repeatedly insisting weÃ¢ÂÂre not going into administration, honest, everything is fine, we have the money, itÃ¢ÂÂs just resting in our account, oh look over there is that a fox?
"Yes la', what d'yer want?"
Shame about the retirement of Optimus Primus, too.
Meanwhile, 10th-placed Sunderland get to hide Hyde and don their Jekyll faces since theyÃ¢ÂÂre playing at home, and will eye up three points here that could propel them up into eighth.
What wonÃ¢ÂÂt happen: Zinedine Dindane to score again. Laughable footballerWhat will happen: Home win
Spurs vs Wolves
Beating Bolton was a terrific result for Mick McCarthyÃ¢ÂÂs minions, especially in the light of Sprightly KightlyÃ¢ÂÂs lay-off.
A point here would leave them cock-a-hoop (whatever that means).
As for Spurs... IÃ¢ÂÂm still furious with them for dropping points to Everton last week, especially after Ã¢ÂÂArryÃ¢ÂÂs "league first, cups second" rally.
What makes me angriest is how it was so inevitable.
IÃ¢ÂÂd go down to White Hart Lane and shout abuse at them, but it would be like remonstrating with a bear for taking a dump in the woods (only less life-threatening).
What wonÃ¢ÂÂt happen: A top-four finish for Spurs. You canÃ¢ÂÂt drop points like thatWhat will happen: Still, at least this fixture should be three points in the bag, right? Right?
Liverpool vs Arsenal
ItÃ¢ÂÂs the big one! Cue Eye of the Tiger intro.
(DUN!) With Fulham breathing down LiverpoolÃ¢ÂÂs necks (DUN DUN DUN!) and Arsenal keen to extend their lead over Spurs (DUN DUN DUN!), neither team can afford to lose this game. (DUN DUN DUHHH...)
But (DUN!) one of them (DUN DUN DUN!) will have to lose (DUN DUN DUN!) Ã¢ÂÂ unless they draw.
DUN DUN DUHHH...
What wonÃ¢ÂÂt happen: Both Arsenal and Liverpool could learn something from Cesc FabregasÃ¢ÂÂ assertion his team needs a striker... but neither will. Cue more Ã¢ÂÂNgog vs Bendtner: who has less talent?Ã¢ÂÂ debatesWhat will happen: Aquilani to start. No, really! ItÃ¢ÂÂs going to happen! Seriously! And itÃ¢ÂÂs going to be a draw!
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