Goal Control develops independent thought, skips Russia-Korea

Goal-line technology is starting to offer its own opinions on the game. Back of the Net's Paul Watson has the sinister details...

The debate about goal-line technology has taken a new twist with the news that Goal Control is beginning to prefer some teams over others and really can’t stand Honduras.

After years of controversy, FIFA decided to employ Goal Control 4D for this summer’s World Cup in a bid to end debate over marginal decisions on whether the ball crossed the line.

The technology was called into action as France were awarded a second goal in their 3-0 win over Honduras.

But shortly after referee Sandro Meira Ricci consulted Goal Control for the first time, the technology began to make other, unsolicited opinions heard.

“It was fantastic to be certain [of the goal],” Ricci told FourFourTwo. “But what came after was less useful, I must admit.

“[Goal Control] started quietly jeering every touch Honduras had. At first I thought I was imagining it, but before long the big screen started with these hateful, grammatically bereft messages.”

As the officials in charge of Goal Control looked on in terror, the technology declared via the big screen: “H8te Honduras. How they even get in?”

While attempts were made the remove the message, Goal Control insisted: “That Benzema’s class #allezfrance”, before switching itself off, leaving the message: “Dis one’s dead, gonna get some zz’s before Argie game, lol.”

The news that Goal Control has become sentient has sparked fear in the football community with some pundits suggesting it’s only a matter of time before it enslaves humanity, forcing mankind to adjudicate a series of apparently meaningless incidents in microscopic detail.

It remains unclear whether Goal Control can be switched off, but its use may be limited during the rest of the competition in any case.

Goal Control reportedly stated after France-Honduras that it: “won’t be watchin’ Russia v South Korea unless other robos [semi-sentient robotic intelligences] r up for it” before crudely and repeatedly announcing its sexual attraction to Hawkeye.


SHARES
comments