The Media Cave-Dwelling Weekend Predictions - Round 6


Tenerife vs Deportivo

Earlier this week, it was finally confirmed to Deportivo that tug-of-love midfielder Queen Lafita would spend the next few seasons playing for Zaragoza and not them.

However suit button-busting club president Augusto Lendoiro is planning to sue the hide off his rivals for the full 25 million Euro buyout clause placed on the player by his now former club.

The midfielder in the middle of the malaise couldn’t give a monkey’s muff about the legal battle to come and is just giddy that this most peculiar of parts of his professional life has come to end.

“I have lived through a nightmare,” wailed the drama-Queen Lafita. “I had to train in strange places. Everyday was something new, a constant soap opera.”

La Liga Loca assumes the midfielder was talking about his spell in mid-club limbo and not his two years in Galicia. But you never know.

LLL Prediction – Home win

Barcelona vs Almería

More evidence this week of the entertaining unravelling of the King of Cataluyna, Joan Laporta. With eight months of his tenure still to go and at this rapid rate of decline, we can expect to see him hurling his own body fluids at passers-by, Silence of the Lambs-style, from a perspex box dangling over the Camp Nou.

His latest “infamy, infamy, they’ve all got it in for me” outburst saw the paranoid president attacking those out to get him - i.e. disagreeing with him - as part of “a Spanish media cave” who detest the somewhat conflicting concept of a “more Catalan and universal Barcelona.”

Laporta then spoke about the threats he receives on a  daily basis from those wanting to “cut off my legs, arms and kidnap my children.”

La Liga Loca suggests a simple solution to Laporta’s problems: a number block on Samuel Eto’o's mobile.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Atlético Madrid vs Zaragoza

La Liga Loca normally begins Atlético updates with a familiar lament of "Oh dear". This week, that’s simply not strong enough.

So, it’s a huge "Oh dear, oh dear" as the Rojiblancos go into Saturday's steamy late-night encounter with Zaragoza having suffered another Champions League disaster with a 2-0 defeat at Porto.

The midweek clash saw the Atleti squad down to bare bones – almost literally, with second-choice keeper Roberto limping off to be replaced by the Peter Crouch-esque David De Gea, making his first-team debut in the lamentable loss.

However, the defeat wasn’t all bad, said manager Abel Resino who pointed out that “until 1-0 it was a very even game.” In La Liga Loca’s limited experience, most draws tend to be.

LLL Prediction - Away win

Fancy catching Atletico’s latest footballing disaster while toasting your cockles at home? Follow a live blog via Twitter feed from the Vicente Calderón on Saturday from 21.45 Spanish time.


Xerez vs Málaga

Fresh from a wicked week of lust with every available lady in Andalusia after gaining their first point of the season, the footballers of Xerez are now ready for their next mission – their first goal. At the right end.

And that moment is about to arrive, says Xerez midfielder Abel Gómez, who notes that “there’s not much difference between the rivals we’ve played against, except Real Madrid. It’s just been a matter of small details.”

In this particular context, "small details" is a euphemism for "goals".

LLL Prediction - Away win

Villarreal vs Espanyol

It appears that the Yellow Submarine sucks just as much in Europe as it does in Spain with a 2-0 away defeat to Salzburg in the Europa League.

“Spirits are suffering after four defeats in a row,” admitted Villarreal manager Ernesto Valverde. It’s starting to get hard.”

But everything is going to be all right on Sunday night – well, afternoon – says La Liga Loca with the blog predicting a double-figure scoreline against Espanyol. Oh yes.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Real Valladolid vs Athletic

LLL Prediction - Home win

Sporting vs Mallorca

Mallorca manager Gregorio Manzano is on the brink of leading his side in la Liga for match number 200 - an astonishing figure in Spain, although the times may be a-changing in a cash-strapped league now entering a sixth round of action without a single sacking so far.

"Must do better," says the axe-sharpening blog.

LLL Prediction  - Draw

Getafe vs Osasuna

Week in, week out, this season, Getafe have either been quite brilliant – as seen in wins against Racing and Valencia – or completely s**t.

Indeed, the Coliseum club have gone 53 games without back-to-back league wins, says Marca in a fact that La Liga Loca simply cannot bothered to check.

And over the past five days or so a number a Getafe players have been poked in front of the press to explain themselves.

“We have to show we want to win from the first minute,” mused Swiss midfielder Fabio Celestini. “If Madrid drop by just one percent, they still win. If we drop by just one percent then we lose.”

“We play one good game, then relax,” explains striker Roberto Soldado, giving a hint towards happy times for Getafe on Sunday afternoon.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Racing vs Valencia

A Europa League victory for Valencia against Genoa on Thursday night sees the side with just one defeat all season - a 3-1 tonking by Getafe - but with Unai Emery under all sorts of pressure with rumours of the traditional rifts in the camp.

With the Mestalla man unable to boot the usual trouble-making suspects out like Carlos Marchena and David Albeda, he takes the club’s ruinous roadshow to Racing on Sunday to face a team that the blog cannot decide are half-decent or a bit poor.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Sevilla vs Real Madrid

Aside from producing first halves that make you think that the concepts of hell and purgatory are quite real after all, one of the changes Florentino Pérez has brought in has been to swing the look and feel of the Real Madrid match day ‘palco’ - or VIP presidential seats - even further to the right.

And that’s some achievement, considering that Ramón Calderón was part of the somewhat conservative Opus Dei clique that runs a significant chunk of the country.

Seated with Florentino II for the past couple of home games has been  former Spanish Prime Minister José Maria Aznar.

The current left-leaning and Barcelona supporting PM José Luis Zapatero has as much chance of ending up in the same spot as being able to deliver a speech without moving his arms up and down in the manner of a drunkenly-operated Thunderbirds puppet.

The mutual loathing between the pair came to a head this week in Copenhagen, where both were attending Madrid’s inevitable second-round defeat in the Olympic Games vote. 

Pérez bumped into Zapatero and immediately turned into something resembling a gloating 15-year-old Liverpool fan on a message board, as cameras of Spanish TV station La Sexta recorded.

“We are the only team in Europe that has won all their league and Champions games,” boasted little Florentino, peering up at the looming figure of his Prime Minister.

“I’m not going to point out that there is another team that is playing well,” replied Zapatero, stooping to hear Pérez’ boasts.

“There’s another team that’s drawing,” smirked Florentino. “That’s playing well,” corrected Zapatero with a fixed grin.

And so it went on until the Real Madrid president warned that “this year, your time has come.”

If only firing squads hadn’t fallen so out of fashion in Spain.

LLL Prediction - Draw

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