Real Madrid finally end search for new Guti

With the briefest of announcements posted on their website in the wee small hours of Tuesday morning, Real Madrid had spread the word that they had doubled the number of playmakers who don’t really want to be at the club but would hang about for the cash anyway.

The arrival of Kaká on a six-year deal for a reported transfer fee of 62.7m Euro means that Madrid no longer have to rely on just the one fancy-pants footballer to pull out of nasty-looking clashes due to communions or ‘hurty’ legs - something that Guti managed brilliantly in the closing weeks of the last campaign.

"Oooh, it feels like a six-weeker" 

“For a few seasons now, I know that Madrid have been looking long and hard for the new Guti,” explained the team’s Director General, Jorge Valdano, in an exclusive chat with the blog.

“With Van der Vaart we really thought we had a player on a our hands who had that same ‘show me the money’ mercenary streak of genius,” explained the former Argentine international. “But it never really worked out. Kept saying he was fit.”

But with Kaká announcing in a bustling press conference in Recife that “it wasn’t my plan to leave Milan but economic circumstances said it had to be,” pundits in the Spanish capital are certain that Madrid have finally got hold of the perfect player who can sulk through seasons long after Guti has become nothing more than a bad memory.

“The fundamental issue with Guti is that he’s a home-grown player who doesn’t want to play for the club,” explains Marca’s editorial on Tuesday.

“Every time he doesn’t fancy a game of football for one flimsy reason or another, it costs Madrid relatively little. Now, Florentino Pérez has bought a player who not only doesn’t want to be at Madrid, but is bankrupting the club due to his wages and transfer fee. That takes some skill,” praised the paper.

"Come and have a go if you think you're mardy, love" 

As the clean-living Kaká was at Brazil’s training camp he was forced to deny reports that he was leaving Milan having grown tired of rejecting the constant offers from owner Silvio Berlusconi of "a fun time down at my villa" and explained that he was happy to be helping out his former club in a tough economic climate.

“A lot of companies are going through bad times and Milan is one of them,” explained Kaká on the motivations for his move to Madrid.

Real Madrid’s latest advertising hoarding is not expected to be unveiled at the Bernabeu until the end of June after duties with Brazil are completed, so it’s still not known what impact the former Balon d’Or winner will have on the squad at the capital club.

The most immediate reaction has been from Raúl, who was heard howling at the sky in the early hours of Tuesday morning after discovering that a lower tax bracket for the Brazilian superstar will make him the best-paid player on the team.

At least until Cristiano Ronaldo arrives, that is.

Skint skipper stages stadium sit-in 

Sergio Ramos is said to have low expectations as to whether the born-again, evangelical, teetotal, Jesus-owned Brazilian will be up for his traditional ‘drinkie Sundays’.

However, the man that Kaká is set to replace remained defiant over his role at Real Madrid over the next few years in a short chat with La Liga Loca.

“This just means that I’m going to have to up my game,” explained an unconcerned Guti. “I like challenges. Except physical ones,” added the midfielder.

“Family events are no longer going to cut the mustard when it comes to excuses. Next season I’m looking at bunions, scurvy, Yom Kippur. Nothing will be ruled out.”

Guti ended his talk with the blog by discussing his hopes for the new campaign.  “I’m determined to prove that when people think of someone who really doesn’t want to play for Real Madrid, then they think of me straight away. Not some ponce from Brazil.”

Note: None of these conversations took place. Right?

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