An X-rated update from la Liga

One of the most memorable moments of José Antonio Reyes’ rather hopeless spell at Atlético Madrid came when the winger was coming off the pitch, rather than when he was on it.

Having been substituted after another poor performance, the winger ran past the then manager Javier Aguirre and told him that he was planning to **** in his mother’s ****.

Having been caught on camera bellowing the slur, Reyes then backtracked and told the press that he was so disappointed with his own offering in the encounter that he was shouting to himself that he was going to **** in his own mother’s ****.

Considering the entire male population of Andalusia is made up of apron-hugging, blubbing Mummy’s boys, it was quite a statement.

All the blog can add is that if you used this particular insult on the mean streets of Hove, then it would probably buy you 10 seconds or so through the shock suffered by your opponent before he plonked your head on a spike.

Use another favourite Spanish slur, “I (ahem) poo-poo in your milk!” then the reaction will probably be stunned silence and confusion.

Returning to the main point, and Robert Pires is another footballer who is having to come up with some serious spin to explain away some potty-mouthed outpourings.

According to the match referee for Villarreal’s defeat away to Xerez, the French midfielder went up to the official after the game and told him that he was a “hijo de puta” due to some decisions that members of the Yellow Submarine are now using as an excuse for their bottom-of-the-table troubles.

Pires has countered this interpretation of events by claiming that “I told him that I wanted to talk to him. Without losing my temper, I asked him three times but he refused so then I lost my rag a bit and this made me shout out ‘putain’”

The former Arsenal man then went on to explain that this is a perfectly harmless expression of discontent in France, similar to the Spanish ‘joder!’ or ‘coño’.

These words would be considered astonishingly rude in Britain but due to the intensely vulgar nature of the day-to-day language used in Spain, is considered no worse than a Ned Flanders style “darn jiggidy!”

NEWS: Pires accused of insulting referee

And speaking of things that make you swear, Marca have decided to give one of the paper’s ‘legend’ trinkets to Kaká.

And shame on those who might suggest that it was just a ruse to get an interview with the Brazilian God-botherer ahead of Wednesday’s Champions League clash with Milan.

After all, another top-class athlete who recently received the honour was the King of Spain - someone whose physical activity mainly centres on opening wine bottles and fu......ll circuits of the palace gymnasium.

And as a testing tease to you, Dear Reader, La Liga Loca now offers a quick pop quiz on which two of these questions did not feature in the interview given by what appeared to be 15 old men in suits.

a) Is it important for Real Madrid to win the Champions League?b) Who is better, Messi or Ronaldo?c) Aren’t you tremendously peed off by being stuck either on the bench or the wings while Raúl ponces about in your favoured position?d) Didn’t you think it was a bit odd for Mrs Kaká to say that God gave Real Madrid the money to buy you as reward for waiting until the wedding night before he surged into a completely different kind of box?

Still, at least Marca are trying, unlike AS whose headline on Tuesday concerns Karim Benzema being a bit hopeless.

But it’s an even sorrier state in the Barcelona press.

Regular readers will remember Sport’s stunning revelation from a few weeks back that both Barcelona and Pep Guardiola are really, really great.

Well, Mundo Deportivo have topped this headline in their latest edition with the exclusive that “Barcelona are better than Real Madrid.”

Those culés who did not instantly keel over in shock at the news would have read that this happens to be the opinion of Cristiano Ronaldo. Sort of.

In an interview with France Football, the ankle-knacked man of Madrid actually says that “Barcelona are better than Real Madrid, today. But the real question is ‘who will be best in the end?’”

And this makes their main story for Tuesday - to follow the general theme of the day - a lot of old bo..lony.

NEWS: Ronaldo - Barca have edge over Real

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