The much-trumpeted Inter Milan vs Barcelona game was so god-awful that if it hadnâÂÂt been for a timely episode of Bones on a rival channel, La Liga Loca may well have pinned its tiny brain to the ceiling with the aid of a crossbow.
The weapon was just seconds from being removed from the blogâÂÂs battered old trunk marked âÂÂDeportivo gamesâ - a trunk which also contains distress flares, Liberian pain-sticks and an inflatable Penelope Cruz doll.
A truly awful encounter merely served to maintain the wider worldâÂÂs belief that Zlatan Ibrahimovic is a colossal dud whenever the forward faces anyone decent, and that Italian football is still frackinâ awful despite the arguments from some that it is the game in its purest form.
WhatâÂÂs more, the match did nothing to help to improve José MourinhoâÂÂs laughably low poll ratings in the Catalan capital, with Pep GuardiolaâÂÂs complaint that âÂÂitâÂÂs not easy to play against nine men in the area.âÂÂ
Not that the Inter boss will care one jot, mind.
"Am I bovvered?"
Joan Laporta looked so bored sitting in the stands, itâÂÂs as if someone was playing a yearâÂÂs worth of his own speeches back to him.
Still, ThursdayâÂÂs Barcelona papers were still content to claim that PepâÂÂs Dream Boys were the worthy winners in the European encounter despite the goalless scoreline, with SportâÂÂs headline declaring that âÂÂthe champions were the bestâ and Mundo Deportivo boasting that âÂÂonly a goal was missing.âÂÂ
Sport's Josep Maria Casanovas complained that âÂÂthe duel between EtoâÂÂo and Ibra was a huge disappointment.âÂÂ
And this was a big surprise indeed for a columnist who said the previous day that BarçaâÂÂs game was the only one worth watching that week in Europe.
âÂÂIn the group stages of the Champions League, there are sides full of players whose names we have never heard of," he said, perhaps referring to Sevilla.
"Like Zurich, for example, who took on the Whites, last night.âÂÂ
Nevertheless, that particular match is one that has given the Madridista press even more proof, if that were necessary, that the Third-Choice Chilean will be leading his side to Champions League glory come May, with AS snarling that âÂÂReal Madrid warn Europe.âÂÂ
That they cannot defend set-pieces, perhaps.
Despite the 5-2 victory, the paperâÂÂs editor Alfredo Relaño was spitting ham over the performance of English referee Martin Atkinson for daring to award a (very funny) penalty against Madrid and book six of their players.
Clearly, the man in the middle hasnâÂÂt read the la Liga handbook.
"How very dare you"
âÂÂThey have Platini as an ally in this plot to stop Madrid lifting the European Cup in the Bernabeu,â grumbled Tomás Roncero, who also noted that âÂÂCristiano is smelling the Tenth.âÂÂ
Over in Laporta-land, Mundo Deportivo merely sniffed that Madrid were âÂÂforceful up front, a flan[?!] at the back, and managed a suspiciously big score-line.âÂÂ
Atlético Madrid didn't disappoint their many followers on Tuesday night with a campaign-crushing goalless draw at home to APOEL Nicosia.
And neither they did not disappoint the watching hacks, who got to take off their gloves - metaphorically speaking - and punch Abel ResinoâÂÂs side onto the canvas of oblivion.
âÂÂThe referee should have stopped the game to preserve the mental health of the spectators,â stomped AS's Iñako DÃÂaz-Guerra, who also turned his attentions to midfielder Cleber Santana, whom he compared to âÂÂthe AVE [Spanish super-train] of footballers: no one carries the ball faster to the feet of the opposition.âÂÂ
His partner-in-crime at the paper, F. Javier DÃÂaz, sighed heavily with his lamentation that âÂÂother sides would have taken the opportunity of APOELâÂÂs visit to put an end to the bad start to the season. But not Atleti. WeâÂÂre different.âÂÂ
The normally stern and sober El PaÃÂs thundered that AtléticoâÂÂs âÂÂperformance in the first half was a criminal offence,â with the Cypriot opposition missing two clear chances to cause an even bigger upset on the night.
"What a load of old..."
No such blank-firing at the Sánchez Pizjuán, with the mighty Sevilla ruthlessly dispatching Romanians Unirea Urziceni 2-0.
But even more entertaining than Luis FabianoâÂÂs rather fine opening strike was one Spanish TV channel trying to get the local fans to tell them who Sevilla were facing.
âÂÂUuussssss...â âÂÂOoohh-something...â âÂÂUuniiiiii...â were some of the shrugging responses from the Andalusian answer-givers.
Atlético fans are unlikely to be suffering from such problems in naming their own opposition - rivals that made their team the undisputed Champions League chumps of the week.
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