Big Bernado has first Real strop of the season

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For those La Liga Loca regulars who had "two weeks" in the blog's "how soon into the pre-season will Bernd Schuster blow his stack" sweepstake, then congratulations, you now possess riches beyond your wildest dreams.

You could probably even buy José Antonio Reyes.

On Wednesday, big Bernado throw his Teutonic toys out of the pram by attacking Pedro Mijatovic - a frequent target - and Ramón Calderón for leaving him out of the Real Madrid loop when it comes to all things transfery.

A growing increasingly irked Bernd Schuster 

"I'm the last to find out anything," shrugged Schuster at a press conference getting his Lederhosen in quite a twist.

"I'm not that bothered as I'm used to being more or less the last to know stuff," continued Bernd who, despite having managed in Spain for a number of years now, has yet to cotton on to the fact that coaches are held in the same contempt as plankton and vegetarians in this country.

It seems that Schuster's been attempting to discover the goings-on at his club through the medium of Marca and AS - two sources of information as useful as asking Guti to recite the five-times-table.

Ramón Calderón gave his immediate response to Schuster's complaints to AS - he appears to be having one of his periodic strops with Marca - but admitted that he had not heard his manager's comments.

But rather than declining to comment, he opted for boasting about his 'magnificent' relationship with Schuster.

"The manager knows perfectly that he's the first to be informed of anything," explained the club president, who is due to arrive at Madrid's Austrian training camp on Thursday.

Calderón instead chose to put Schuster's rant - which he has not heard, remember - down to the German's legendary comedic stylings. "I know that he has a very special sense of humour and is ironic a lot," explained the Bernabeu big cheese, not at all patronisingly.

"Aww bless him..." Calderon plays down Schuster spat 

This is the excuse given for the manager's outburst by AS editor Alfredo Relaño, who opines that "Schuster manages well but expresses himself badly."

And both parties probably have a point. At times, Schuster is fantastically dry, ironic and sarcastic - three concepts that a black eye-sporting La Liga Loca has discovered are not well understood in Spain.

If the German coach did want to raise a titter or two with the press pack, then he need only shout loudly, slap someone and sleep with a hack's wife before being forced to hide in a wardrobe to avoid being caught out - three staples of Spanish comedy La Liga Loca has become familiar with when the blog dares to turn the television on and have its already thin grasp of reality further weakened.

Barcelona have lost the tug of war between Leo Messi and Argentina with FIFA telling the club to give Leo up or face a serious bout of nipple-twisting.

But rather than back down gracefully, Joan Laporta is taking the case to the sports arbitration panel, CAS, in an attempt to force Messi to return to Catalunya in time of their Champions League qualifiers.

"Ta ta for now..." Messi leaves for Beijing 

La Liga Loca is forced to hold its breath a lot - mainly down to the toxic cloud of smog that surrounds the Spanish capital over the summer - but it is doing so again today in response to the story that Darth Manuel Ruiz de Lopera is set to leave Real Betis. Again.

This time, the Spanish press is reporting that the club's majority shareholder will be selling a stake in Betis to BSPORT - a company founded for the purposes of the purchase. The new club president will be Francisco Sánchez Quintana, a gentleman involved in the old staple of Spanish football... real estate promotion.  

Seeing as this honourable, upstanding and not at all dodgy industry is in all sorts of economic trouble at the moment, there is a chance that Quintana and co could be bankrupt by the time you read this sentence. But this has not stopped his preposterously long-named lawyer revealing the plans for the take-over which are set to be completed on October 4.

"We don't just want Betis to be a sports club (that would be a start - LLL) but a life style," boasted Juan de Dios Donaire Valenzuela.

Until the 10 million euro transfer is completed, de Lopera will remain in charge of the club - and indeed may even stay on as a director - and is still responsible for the team's pre-season planning.

"I am going to make those people happy that did not like me and even those that wanted me dead," promised Darth Manuel.

De Lopera announces he's leaving, to the delight of some...

Valencia is starting to recover from the shock of Juan Bautista Soler leaving the club - and there is none happier in the city than David Albeda.

"It's a joy to see him go," beamed the midfielder, echoing the thoughts of many.

Meanwhile Soler has revealed that his next project will involve digital television and that he no longer wishes to discuss his disastrous tenure in Mestalla.

"I don't know about football, so don't ask me," admitted Soler. Finally.