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Cole thanks Chelsea fans for all the money

Cole, 33, joined Chelsea in 2006 after being persuaded to leave Arsenal by the promise of earning massive sacks of money and being allowed to shoot work experience kids in the face. He has now left Stamford Bridge after accumulating nine major trophies, dozens of England caps, and more than £40 million in hard cash.

Cole said: “I want to thank the fans for their support, their loyalty, and above all, their money. Growing up it was my dream to be rich enough to line my cat’s litter tray with shredded Vermeers, and I couldn’t have done it without the supporters bleeding themselves dry to watch me play.

“I want to thank them for teaching me a valuable lesson about worldly goods: that they should belong to me.”

Derek Cross, an electrician and Chelsea fan, said: “Giving Ashley Cole my money has been a major part of my life over the past eight years. It’s a shame he’s left, but at least I can still hand over my wages to deserving recipients like John Terry and Gary Cahill.”

Cole is not yet ready to hang up his wallet, however, having confided in his closest accountants that he believes he still has many years left of playing at the highest level, antagonising opposing fans, and mouthing off at referees.

“If the fans of my next club give me just a fraction of the money Chelsea fans have given me, I’ll consider myself a lucky man,” Cole concluded. “And then I’ll demand a bigger contract.”

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