Dyke will leave FA when he figures out how doors work
Greg Dyke is to walk away from the Football Association as soon as he manages to leave the building, it has been announced.
Dyke was parachuted into the FA hot seat three years ago, and despite repeated attempts to get to the bottom of how keycards work, he has remained trapped inside Wembley Stadium ever since.
Dyke’s attempt to leave his post in 2013 ended with him stuck in a window, while moves to force him out last year resulted in him remaining trapped in a revolving door for more than two hours. A so-called ‘Great Initiative’ led to the FA committing £250,000 to teach Dyke how to turn a handle by 2022, but it was dropped amid criticism that the timeframe was unrealistic.
I’m looking forward to leaving, though there are some obstacles to get past first
“I’m looking forward to leaving, though there are some obstacles to get past first,” said Dyke, pushing with all his might against a door marked ‘pull’. “I’ve enjoyed parts of the job, like when doors were held open for me, but other aspects, like opening doors myself, have proved a bigger challenge.”
While admitting that he may have achieved even more if he’d been able to leave his office, Dyke has always denied suggestions that he was out of touch with the modern game, insisting that one-page summaries of each day’s news be slid under his door every morning.
“I’m confident that nobody could have daydreamed as extensively about football as I’ve done over the past three years,” added the man responsible for suggesting that B-teams join the Football League and that clubs introduce quotas for English players.
“Everything is in place for my successor, assuming they have experience with entering and leaving enclosed spaces on their own initiative,” he added, wedging his keycard into the doorframe in a doomed attempt to force it open.
Please note: This satirical news story is not real. But you already knew that, right?