The highly improbable last day scenario-concocting Premier Preview

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So itâÂÂs come to this: each team has played 37 matches, 3,330 minutes of football and run the distance to the moon and back (probably), and it all rests to a final-frame shootout.

The league title is wrapped up, and the battle between Spurs and Liverpool for the final Europa League spot so hotly contested that even the teams themselves donâÂÂt care.

ThereâÂÂs no surprise, then, that the focus is firmly on the relegation dogfight. Again, it would be even better if actual dogs were involved, but what can you do?

But before we tackle all the fascinating relegation possibilities â and the BBC are going to have great fun on Sunday analysing every potential outcome â thereâÂÂs this fixture, involving a team who have already made themselves safe. ThatâÂÂs right: Liverpool.

What wonâÂÂt happen: Heskey hits a hat-trick past his old side to take his Premier League tally to an astonishing 112, with all three assists coming from ex-Red and now permanent benchwarmer Stephen Warnock. Neil Warnock will play in the Prem before he does again

The season canâÂÂt end fast enough for Bolton, not only winless in four but pointless as well. From sitting in sixth earlier in the campaign, theyâÂÂre now 10th and could, unbelievably, finish 14th if results donâÂÂt go their way on Sunday.

ThatâÂÂd be a great shame for a small squad well led by relative perennially be-shorted Owen Coyle.

What wonâÂÂt happen: An emergency loan keeper â it was a joke! A funny, funny joke! Because they did it last year, remember?

Little to play for but pride here, with Chelsea all but guaranteed of second â itâÂÂll take a 13-goal swing for Manchester City to change that â and Everton assured of seventh with a point.

ItâÂÂs a good thing, really, that Stoke have claimed that European spot through the FA Cup because you could argue, across the season, that in all competitions theyâÂÂve earned it more than Everton, who would normally have qualified through finishing in the top seven.

What wonâÂÂt happen: David Moyes to keep waiting for the Manchester United job thatâÂÂs supposed to be coming his way â heâÂÂs like Prince Charles, only with other avenues open to him.

Seventh isnâÂÂt beyond Fulham, incredible given they were in the relegation zone and a mere point off the bottom at the turn of the year. ItâÂÂs like Lazarus II: The Revengening.

ThereâÂÂs no way Arsenal want to play an extra two legs before the Champions League, so theyâÂÂll put everything into winning this to finish third.

The problem is theyâÂÂre without a lot of players thanks to injury: Nasri and Fabregas will be sorely missed, but no more than Djourou and Koscielny at the back, as it means Seb âÂÂoffside trap - pah!â Squillaci will have to play again.

What wonâÂÂt happen: The Wenger v Hughes Handshake Debacle descends into a full-on brawl

What wonâÂÂt happen: Gabriel Obertan, who will start, to look unduly impressive

What will happen: Unbelievably for a team with a better away record than a team in sixth place, Blackpool havenâÂÂt won on the road in 2011 â but somehow, against a weakened United side, they do it here. Bring on the conspiracy theories...

ItâÂÂs a good thing Newcastle have one of the highest average attendances in the top flight this season, or fans might be tempted to go elsewhere on this exciting final day; thereâÂÂs bugger all to keep them here.

This match is so pointless, with so little riding on it, that even recounting the injury list seems a waste of time. But if you must know, Dorrans and Ibanez are unavailable for the Baggies, and Newcastle are without Nolan, Perch, Best, Gosling, Harper and Williamson. And Ben Arfa, obviously. HeâÂÂs dead.

What wonâÂÂt happen: West Brom continue their resurgence with a final away victory to confuse Roy Hodgson further, who swears he keeps telling them not to win

After a good few results for MartinezâÂÂs men, pundits are convinced Wigan will stay up, but itâÂÂs not as simple as that.

Sure, they donâÂÂt even have to get a point to leapfrog two teams and climb out of the relegation zone â but you never want your destiny to be out of your hands. Unless, of course, you believe in a deity or deities, in which case itâÂÂs quite a fundamental core of your belief-system and to be honest, there are enough of you to suggest youâÂÂre quite happy to have your destiny out of your hands.

So...yes. Anyway, Wigan could win and go down, lose and stay up, but whatever happens, they donâÂÂt look capable of making serious progress under their Spanish manager.

A win against a Stoke side that hasnâÂÂt lost at home in 2011 might go some way to disproving that theory, even if the Potters are minus bullish strikers Fuller and Sidibe and arguably still demoralised after the FA Cup final. SodâÂÂs Law dictates Wigan will probably have a stormer, win, but go down anyway.

What wonâÂÂt happen: Wigan fansâ spirits to be particularly damaged by the news that 85-year-old reserve team keeper Mike Pollitt is out injured

What will happen: Absolutely, honestly no idea. ItâÂÂs just too close. Stoke are obdurate opponents but have one eye downcast and the other on Europe already; Wigan want it more but donâÂÂt have the firepower. Even if we go with the cop-out of a draw, anything could happen. Toss a coin (weâÂÂll give your our prediction for this one at the end to keep the suspense at optimum levelsâ¦)

Speaking of coin tosses, if you were wondering whether statistically unlikely Premier League stalemates are settled in such a fashion â theyâÂÂre not.

The last resort is instead a play-off at a neutral venue. God alone knows how they settle it in the event of THREE teams finishing tied on points, goal difference and goals scored, but we assume itâÂÂd involved some kind of triangular pitch surrounded by fire somewhere near the centre of the earth.

HereâÂÂs how it could feasibly â ish â happen so that Birmingham and Wigan would have to enter a play-off.

i) Wigan lose 1-0 to Stoke. OK, thatâÂÂs possible â likely, even.
ii) Blackpool lose to Manchester United by three goals or more. Also possible.
iii) Birmingham lose this game at White Hart Lane 6-3.

What wonâÂÂt happen: That scenario

What will happen: McLeish gives his Blue boys the kick up the arse they need, and they take a victory against a Spurs team with their eye off the ball. âÂÂArry, avoiding fifth, isnâÂÂt too bothered

What wonâÂÂt happen: Sunderland wrap up their 101st Premier League win (thatâÂÂs ever, mind, not this season)

ItâÂÂs an odd one: like life itself, this game could mean everything or nothing, depending on results elsewhere.

One thingâÂÂs for certain: as exhilarating as all the permutations could make it, the game itself will not be an end-to-end stomper.

What wonâÂÂt happen: Blackburn take their first away win of 2011; Wolves beat Rovers for the first time in seven attempts

And - drum roll pleaseâ¦

They wonâÂÂt. Wolves and Wigan to drop, Birmingham and Blackpool to survive.

Huw Davies

Huw was on the FourFourTwo staff from 2009 to 2015, ultimately as the magazine's Managing Editor, before becoming a freelancer and moving to Wales. As a writer, editor and tragic statto, he still contributes regularly to FFT in print and online, though as a match-going #WalesAway fan, he left a small chunk of his brain on one of many bus journeys across France in 2016.