Zlatan Ibrahimovic has walked out on Manchester United after declaring that he has achieved everything he can at the club, and staying would only hinder his genius.
The flamboyant author, investor, taekwondo master and walking doodle pad has joined LA Galaxy with immediate effect, describing the MLS side as “a vehicle fit for Zlatan’s talents” and “not in any way a gilded retirement home for ageing celebrities”.
“Zlatan – that’s me, in case that wasn’t clear – is a big fish,” the 36-year-old told FourFourTwo. “And Manchester a small pond, full of small, inferior fish.
“Los Angeles is a big pond, where a jumbo fish like Zlatan – again, me – will flourish. Of course, Zlatan is still the biggest and most impressive fish by far, a koi in a world of lumpsuckers. But I will no longer be held back by lesser fishes’ shoals of jealousy.
“Besides, what hope do they have of becoming footballers with Zlatan around? For I, Zlatan, will only intimidate them with my ability, and my tendency to declare people my enemies, and my habit of kicking my enemies in the head.”
He added that since he had already proved himself the greatest player in Manchester United’s history, and the finest import to the Premier League since erythropoietin, he had nothing left to prove in England.
“Zlatan, and once again I am referring to myself in the third person here, won every trophy he cared about winning,” he continued. “He didn’t particularly care for any of them, except being top scorer in the 2017 Carabao Cup.”
Ibrahimovic also said that once he had won the MLS Cup, been granted the freedom of Los Angeles, secured California’s independence from the United States and renamed it Zlatania, he would probably step up his level once again and take on the greatest challenge of all in China or Abu Dhabi.
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