Pardew’s Christmas presents were all for himself anyway

Alan Pardew’s sacking by Crystal Palace does not mean his Christmas gift-buying went to waste, it has emerged.

Pardew was given his marching orders on Thursday after losing the confidence of everyone at Selhurst Park not named Alan, with the club in a relegation battle and his squad playing like strangers who hate each other despite having never met.

Following his dismissal, Pardew was permitted to return to his office to take down the framed photos of himself and remove the carefully wrapped presents he had placed under his private Christmas tree, each bearing the label ‘to Alan with love’. 

Coffee and grime

You know who’ll be unwrapping a huge stack of Skepta CDs? That’s right, the Pardman

“I asked Scott [Dann] what he was hoping to get for Christmas,” said Pardew. “He mentioned an espresso machine, and I thought, 'That sounds like a great idea, I’ll get myself an espresso machine'.

“I also spoke to Wilf[ried Zaha] about what music he was into these days, and I made some mental notes. Come Christmas morning, you know who’ll be unwrapping a huge stack of Skepta CDs? That’s right, the Pardman.

“I’m gutted for the lads that they won’t get to be with me at Christmas. I was really looking forward to seeing their faces when they watched me unwrap all the great stuff I got for me.”

Gifts for Big Sam

Club captain Dann said: “Last year, Alan [Pardew] got everyone a signed photo of himself inside a Christmas card with his face on it. He also gave everyone the opportunity to spend a day being coached by him, which he said was worth £1,000.

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“John Everett [Mile Jedinak] asked if he could have the £1,000 instead and Pards never spoke to him again, until a couple of weeks ago when he phoned him up to ask him which brand of beard freshener he uses.”

Dann added that while it was never nice to see someone lose their job, the exception that proved that rule was probably Alan Pardew.

He and his team-mates now face a race against time to purchase and giftwrap all the gourmet pork scratchings in south-east London before Sam Allardyce is confirmed as the Eagles' new boss.

Please note: This satirical news story is not real. Obviously.

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