The Pig Slaughtering Predictions - Round 29

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Recreativo (16th) vs Sevilla (3rd)

La Liga Loca knows it. You know it. Heck, even master prediction-maker (still waiting for Pedja’s sacking, still waiting) Roberto Gómez knows it - Manolo Jiménez will be shot out of Sevilla’s footballing toaster this summer and banished to the kitchen bin of doom.

Although the Andalusian club is sitting pretty in third, the fact Juande Ramos’ replacement has bored the pants off the Sánchez Pizjuán faithful over the past year-and-a-half with his defensive stylings means that Jiménez’s goose is cooked.

However, the man himself is still talking a good - if slightly insane - game over his future. “I want to take Sevilla to the Champions League and win it,” claimed a potentially happy-pill-taking Jiménez over the international break.

LLL Prediction - Draw

Valladolid (9th) vs Barcelona (1st)

This week, Barcelona’s title dreams were as dashed and pulverised as an unfortunate height-related accident that once befell one of La Liga Loca’s hamsters.

Rather than being this season’s silverware that has been lost, it was the title from 1937 that was blown. Back in the days of the Spanish Civil war, a mini-league was held in the then Republican Zone between eight teams including Barcelona, Espanyol, Valencia and Levante.

Barcelona won the truncated tournament, but it has never officially been recognised especially since the absent Madrid clubs were being shelled into oblivion by Franco at the time.

However, Barça’s bid for their title to be recorded was rejected by the Spanish FA this week, who argue that it was not organised by themselves and therefore does not count.

Meanwhile, in not-really-that-shocking news, there is a strong possibility that the Valladolid clash will be blacked out to all and sundry due to a TV contract dispute.

LLL Prediction - Away win

Almería (13th) vs Villarreal (4th)

The main advertising aim of Lynx - the poor man’s Old Spice - is to convince its potential buyers that just a couple of squirts from the sickly smell-masker are required to make someone with a face like a yawning Gordon Brown irresistible to hot ladeez.

The Spanish version of the product, called Axe, has tested this marketing theory to breaking point by revealing one of the faces for the product in Spain.

Step up Villarreal super star Santi Cazorla, who resembles a chipmunk with a migraine.  

LLL Prediction - Away win

Betis (17th) vs Numancia (19th)

Betis pretend president, Pepe Leon, decided to step out from behind Darth de Lopera’s skirt this week and face some questions put to him by fans on the tn’internet site, ‘Betisweb’.

And what a warm-hearted set of posers were put to poor Pepe, with questions such as “how do you sleep at night being a puppet of De Lopera?” and “do you know the meaning of the word dignity?”

“I would be the first to report any irregularity because my honesty is at stake when I sign off the accounts,” blubbered Leon denying that the club’s annual accounts are dodgier than an Andalusian car dealer.

“You’re pathetic, we are tired of your constant c***” was the supportive response from one Betico on Marca’s website.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Athletic (15th) vs Mallorca (12th)

One of the biggest disgraces of this season was Mallorca’s refusal / inability to cough up the money owed to Athletic for striker Aritz Aduriz, who moved to the Balearic club over the summer.

Mallorca’s subsequent financial meltdown meant that poor old Athletic have barely seen a penny of the money owed to them.

But because of something stupid called the law, Athletic’s hard-men have not been able to bring their former forward back to the Basque country in a packing crate. And this is why there is to be no traditional pre-match meal between the two clubs’ bigwigs.

Aduriz himself seems to be unsympathetic to his old team’s plight, promising that he will “do everything possible so that Athletic lose and Mallorca win.”

LLL Prediction - Home win

Málaga (8th) vs Real Madrid (2nd)

Yet another player has stepped into the circus ring and put himself up for auction in this summer’s Real Madrid presidential elections.

The director of a computing consultancy firm, Eduardo García, is fronting a consortium of 15 companies who will be stumping up the cash for the deposit to take part in the race that runs on the slogan that, “we are all presidents.”

The most remarkable feature of García is that he is just 29-years-old and is not a supporter of Florentino Pérez. And this means that he immediately falls into Marca’s bad books who describe him as being "insultingly young."

LLL Prediction - Away win


Espanyol (20th) vs Deportivo (7th)

Now, the sun has been hard come to come by in a slightly shivering Spain this week, but what little there has been may have gone to Ivan de la Peña’s big shiny head.

“People can think I’m mad, but I’m certain that we are going to save ourselves,” gibbered the veteran Espanyol midfielder.

LLL Prediction - Draw

Atlético (5th) vs Osasuna (18th)

Some La Liga Loca readers may remember a story from a few weeks back regarding a crazed Osasuna fan promising to regale the players with pigs should they get something from their away match with Betis.

Well, Osasuna sneaked a goalless draw in the De Lopera stadium and Luis Miguel has kept his word and handed over the very much alive goods to the surprised looking players.

The poor little piggies weigh just seven kilos and are less than a month old. And a strange purple colour.

“We tried to paint them blue and red,” explained García, “but they got a bit nervous on the journey here and started to move around.”

All that’s left now is for Walter Pandiani to slaughter the cute little animal in front of his wailing, blood-spattered children who are likely to be scarred for life.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Valencia (6th) vs Getafe (14th)

For once, it’s good news from Mestalla for Valencia fans as the club has managed to scrabble enough cash together to pay the outstanding wages to the players from February and March.

Valencia bosses have secured a 50m euro loan at a 7 percent rate, say AS, which will cover the debts to the footballers, the new stadium’s developers and the tax man. The loan has been backed with future TV revenue and season ticket sales from the 2011/12 campaign.

All the club needs to do know is borrow another 40m euro to make it to the end of the season without resorting to sticking an oiled-up Joaquín in a window with a red light.

LLL Prediction - Draw

Sporting (11th) vs Racing (10th)

Now, La Liga Loca has probed long and hard all week - well, asked about two people - to find out why there are five games being played on Saturday (only three of those include Champions League teams) and the Sporting vs Racing clash is the big free-to-air special on Canal Plus.

Still no takers with a response that does not have the word 'idiots' in the reply.

LLL Prediction - Home win

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