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Premier Sketch: Chickens, whispering, booze and moustaches

No prizes for guessing where we begin this week: Old Trafford and NaniâÂÂs goal to clinch Manchester UnitedâÂÂs win against Spurs. UnitedâÂÂs Darren Fletcher admitted to reporters that the Portuguese winger put the ball in the back of the net with a gun held to his head.

âÂÂNani had no choice but to put the ball in the net, what else could he have done?â said Gary NevilleâÂÂs replacement as spokesperson for the Old Trafford club. But is it too naive for fans of the game to think that he actually could have left the ball alone, shown some respect to his fellow footballers and walked away?

Well, after going down in instalments to win a penalty then pulling the age-old trick of grabbing the ball to force the referee to make a decision, why would anyone expect him respect to come into the equation? Paolo Di Canio would roll over in his grave if he wasnâÂÂt still alive and well.

So how about referee Mark Clattenburg and his linesman Simon Beck: can they take any of the blame for this, after their hurried whispering behind their hands like pre-teen girls in the playground? Certainly, a bit of common sense could have easily solved the situation, and maybe saved the ever-respectful Rio Ferdinand from straining his jaw.

Clattenburg: âÂÂAre you 100 percent sure the whole ball crossed the line?
Linesman: "Mark, that was last time...âÂÂ

Now if you still have the game on your TVs, fast-forward to the 88th minute when Nani is about to take a corner; look at the bottom of the screen and youâÂÂll spot Spurs forward Roman Pavlyuchenko for reasons only he knows doing an impression of a chicken.

And it wasnâÂÂt just at Old Trafford where poultry impressions were occurring; in the Tyne-Wear derby, Newcastle captain Kevin Nolan took time off from babysitting Andy Carroll to bag himself a hat-trick in the ToonâÂÂs 5-1 stuffing of Sunderland. As each goal hit the net Nolan celebrated with a chicken dance of his own. Like you do.

The performance of the week undoubtedly came from Wolverhampton Wanderers, who condemned Manchester City to their second successive defeat. After going a goal down, Wolves gallantly fought back to win 2-1. A very welcome three points for Mick McCarthyâÂÂs men, and itâÂÂs safe to say this week that the City players wonâÂÂt be caught on video out on the lash.

And finally, hereâÂÂs your chance to emulate those wonderful Liverpool sides of the 70s and 80s. Terry McDermott, Graeme Souness, Ian Rush, Bruce Grobbelaar & Co. were almost as famous for the hair on their upper lips as they were for their skills on the pitch. MOVEMBER is here which means even a muzzie with less bum fluff than Gary Neville will still earn you respect from your fellow man; itâÂÂs for a brilliant cause.