The Sexually-Inspired Weekend Review: Round 4

What with Valentine's Day at the weekend, the post-five-a-side debrief quickly turned to matters of the heart.

Sweeping generalisations about the señoritas of this country followed, along with heroic tales of conquests and a detailed discussion of Saturday night’s battle plan.

A number of Argie Bargy’s team-mates thought it was high time that this blog brought to light the most unpublishable and libellous rumour of a love-affair it has heard since living in the land of steaks and inflation.

It’s not going to happen. FourFourTwo would be facing a Greek-sized debt after the lawsuit.

You’ll have to make do with this amour-inspired Round 4 round-up...

Let’s spend the rest of our lives together – Banfield & James Rodriguez

The 18-year-old produced a brilliant piece of skill – a round-the-corner back-heel – to kick-start the move that the Colombian himself finished in style.

Banfield would love the reggaeton lover to stay forever, after he decided the clásico with Lanús, but it won’t be happening: Rodriguez is already sold to Udinese for next season.

It’s over. I want a divorce – Claudio Vivas & Racing

The paperwork is done. There will be no more pillow-talk of happy days between Claudio Vivas and Racing.

Three weeks ago, the board at The Academy believed Vivas was their man to bring back the glory days to Avellaneda.

Three defeats in four since then suggests otherwise.

NEWS: Racing sack Vivas after 11 matches

I’ve been left for a younger, fitter, more agile, less wrinkly model – Pato Abbondanzieri & Boca

Amongst those hung out to dry at Boca last week was Pato Abbondanzieri, who may not be at fault for all of the Xeneize’s defensive woes, but he hasn’t exactly helped.

The 37-year-old was dropped to the bench, and in came the 23-year-old Javier Garcia. Result? Clean sheet for the Bosteros.

It’s been fun, but it’s time to move on – The ‘historicos’ & Boca

Pato, however, can take comfort from the knowledge that he isn’t the only one taking the blame.

Boca’s coach Abel Alves also left Hugo Ibarra out for the weekend’s clash with Atlético Tucumán. He then decided to take Martín Palermo off when things weren’t going to plan in the second half.

The históricos at Boca may have won everything in sight in the Noughties, but their time could well be up. 

FILF – Esteban ‘Bichi’ Fuertes & Colón

With 37 summers behind them, most footballers would be eyeing a job as a Saturday night analyst, or thinking about taking that coaching course.

Not Bichi Fuertes, who's still hungry for more.

One Sunday night screamathon suggested that Bichi deserves a place in the World Cup squad, which is taking it a country mile too far, but up in Santa Fe, Bichi is still doing the business.

His 112th goal for the club against River put Colón joint top of the table.

We need to talk – Luis Zubeldía & Lanús

Of all top-flight coaches, Luis Zubeldia was probably the most in-demand come February 14.

Flowing blond locks, bulging muscles, and at 29, the baby of Argentine DTs, make him the man who makes hearts swoon.

The board are perhaps less impressed.

Lanús have conceded 13 goals in four league games, and they lost in the Libertadores last week. At the weekend they lost the clásico to Banfield.

The wheels aren’t off just yet, but Zubeldía needs to keep them on the right track.

Bet he’s got a few tricks up his sleeve – Ignacio Piatti & Independiente

Not one, not two, but three keepy-ups helped Piatti set himself up for the Rojo’s winner against Estudiantes.

If he can do that on the pitch...

Sexless relationship – San Lorenzo & Vélez

"Vélez played badly. San Lorenzo play badly," said one TV presenter after this 0-0.

"There was nothing to talk about in the game." He was right.

Not putting out - Godoy Cruz

Don’t expect frolicking fun with the men from Mendoza. With four games gone, they’ve scored just twice, but are still joint top of the table.

How? They have yet to concede a goal. So that’s 360 minutes of football so far, and two goals.

Time to consider Viagra? – River Plate

The Millionaires have failed to score in three of their four league games.

It’s time to take drastic measures, or else they’ll be struggling to stay up. In the top flight.

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