The Sexually-Inspired Weekend Review: Round 4

What with Valentine's Day at the weekend, the post-five-a-side debrief quickly turned to matters of the heart.

Sweeping generalisations about the señoritas of this country followed, along with heroic tales of conquests and a detailed discussion of Saturday nightâÂÂs battle plan.

A number of Argie BargyâÂÂs team-mates thought it was high time that this blog brought to light the most unpublishable and libellous rumour of a love-affair it has heard since living in the land of steaks and inflation.

ItâÂÂs not going to happen. FourFourTwo would be facing a Greek-sized debt after the lawsuit.

YouâÂÂll have to make do with this amour-inspired Round 4 round-up...

LetâÂÂs spend the rest of our lives together â Banfield & James Rodriguez

The 18-year-old produced a brilliant piece of skill â a round-the-corner back-heel â to kick-start the move that the Colombian himself finished in style.

Banfield would love the reggaeton lover to stay forever, after he decided the clásico with Lanús, but it wonâÂÂt be happening: Rodriguez is already sold to Udinese for next season.

ItâÂÂs over. I want a divorce â Claudio Vivas & Racing

The paperwork is done. There will be no more pillow-talk of happy days between Claudio Vivas and Racing.

Three weeks ago, the board at The Academy believed Vivas was their man to bring back the glory days to Avellaneda.

Three defeats in four since then suggests otherwise.

NEWS:Racing sack Vivas after 11 matches

IâÂÂve been left for a younger, fitter, more agile, less wrinkly model â Pato Abbondanzieri & Boca

Amongst those hung out to dry at Boca last week was Pato Abbondanzieri, who may not be at fault for all of the XeneizeâÂÂs defensive woes, but he hasnâÂÂt exactly helped.

The 37-year-old was dropped to the bench, and in came the 23-year-old Javier Garcia. Result? Clean sheet for the Bosteros.

ItâÂÂs been fun, but itâÂÂs time to move on â The âÂÂhistoricosâ & Boca

Pato, however, can take comfort from the knowledge that he isnâÂÂt the only one taking the blame.

BocaâÂÂs coach Abel Alves also left Hugo Ibarra out for the weekendâÂÂs clash with Atlético Tucumán. He then decided to take Martín Palermo off when things werenâÂÂt going to plan in the second half.

The históricos at Boca may have won everything in sight in the Noughties, but their time could well be up. 

FILF â Esteban âÂÂBichiâ Fuertes & Colón

With 37 summers behind them, most footballers would be eyeing a job as a Saturday night analyst, or thinking about taking that coaching course.

Not Bichi Fuertes, who's still hungry for more.

One Sunday night screamathon suggested that Bichi deserves a place in the World Cup squad, which is taking it a country mile too far, but up in Santa Fe, Bichi is still doing the business.

His 112th goal for the club against River put Colón joint top of the table.

We need to talk â Luis Zubeldía & Lanús

Of all top-flight coaches, Luis Zubeldia was probably the most in-demand come February 14.

Flowing blond locks, bulging muscles, and at 29, the baby of Argentine DTs, make him the man who makes hearts swoon.

The board are perhaps less impressed.

Lanús have conceded 13 goals in four league games, and they lost in the Libertadores last week. At the weekend they lost the clásico to Banfield.

The wheels arenâÂÂt off just yet, but Zubeldía needs to keep them on the right track.

Bet heâÂÂs got a few tricks up his sleeve â Ignacio Piatti & Independiente

Not one, not two, but three keepy-ups helped Piatti set himself up for the RojoâÂÂs winner against Estudiantes.

If he can do that on the pitch...

Sexless relationship â San Lorenzo & Vélez

"Vélez played badly. San Lorenzo play badly," said one TV presenter after this 0-0.

"There was nothing to talk about in the game." He was right.

Not putting out - Godoy Cruz

DonâÂÂt expect frolicking fun with the men from Mendoza. With four games gone, theyâÂÂve scored just twice, but are still joint top of the table.

How? They have yet to concede a goal. So thatâÂÂs 360 minutes of football so far, and two goals.

Time to consider Viagra? â River Plate

The Millionaires have failed to score in three of their four league games.

ItâÂÂs time to take drastic measures, or else theyâÂÂll be struggling to stay up. In the top flight.

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