Conte and axe-wielding Abramovich laugh off Chelsea axe reports

Antonio Conte has reassured fans that he’s not worried about the axe hanging over his head, Back of the Net reports.

Chelsea boss Antonio Conte has rubbished speculation that he may be axed by Roman Abramovich, who stressed his support for the Italian in between spells of sharpening his axe and chuckling menacingly.

Bookies yesterday slashed odds on Conte’s time at Chelsea being cut short, but the ex-Italy boss didn’t look remotely concerned at today’s press conference despite the appearance of Abramovich, who proceeded to loudly sharpen his stained managerial axe just several feet behind the manager.

“This is a part of football, there will always be these rumours,” Conte explained to FourFourTwo with a grin, ducking slightly as Abramovich idly swung his axe.

Antonio Conte

"And then he did a gesture on my neck, like this"

“I feel completely secure in my position at the club and I’m sure I will be given all the time I need to start getting the results expected of me.

“People have this image of Roman as a shadowy short-tempered despot, but he wouldn’t hurt a fly. [Unless the fly had business interests that didn’t align with Abramovich’s, or was unwilling to sell company shares at a cut rate.]”

Nervous laughter

At this point Conte had to start shouting over the sound of Abramovich laughing menacingly, muttering scarcely audible Russian threats and drawing a marker-pen line across the tactician’s throat.

“Antonio and I had a good laugh when we saw reports saying I was going to axe him,” Abramovich told FourFourTwo. “Oh we laughed and laughed until I decided it was time to stop laughing.

“I believe Antonio will be here for many years. But you never know what will happen in life – maybe one day he wins the Champions League, or maybe he is axed by me during a press conference just like this.”

The press conference ended in awkward fashion as Conte alternated between laughing and bracing himself in terror for the next 15 minutes before Abramovich exited the room and journalists filed out.

Please note: This satirical news story is not real. Obviously.

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