The onion-clutching, match-fixing weekend Primera predictions


Real Mallorca (9th) v Zaragoza (16th)

A bit of a sobering start to this week’s previews until the usual trivial, gossiping nonsense kicks off with a report of the press conference given on Wednesday by Mallorca’s Japanese footballer, Akihiro Ienaga.

The midfielder, who joined the club in the winter transfer window, was speaking to the press about the terrible times being suffered by his country this week and reported with relief that “my friends and family were out of danger but so many people are missing and that’s worrying.”

“My team-mates, the technical staff and the club employees have all been concerned and have given me their support. Everyone in Spain is with Japan and my way of showing gratitude is to do what I know how to do, and that’s play football,” declared Aki.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Barcelona (1st) v Getafe (11th)

It would be fair to say that Míchel the Manager is merely tolerated by Getafe president, Angel Torres, rather than liked or even supported from time to time. For that reason the future of Míchel in the Getafe dogout is still in doubt, with the former Rayo coach’s contract up at the end of the season.

The fact that Getafe have lost the plot completely in 2011 - with just the single win in the league - certainly hasn’t helped Míchel’s case and this is why many are putting two and two together, possibly for once making four by linking Luis Enrique with the Getafe job next season.

The Barcelona ‘B’ boss has done a fine job at the Camp Nou club’s cantera side with the young Pep-pampered punks sitting in fourth spot in the second division, but Enrique has announced that he will be leaving in June after three seasons in charge.

Getafe is rumoured to be his next destination, however Bernardo Schuster walking out on Besiktas means that the sullen mustachioed one may also be wanting to return to a club he managed between 2005 and 2007 before taking the ill-fated decision to run the good ship Real Madrid and be subsequently fired a few months after winning the league.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Atlético Madrid v Real Madrid

Fresh from what Marca claimed was a performance of “absolute superiority” against Lyon, Real Madrid now head to the Vicente Calderón where there are no signs at all of a curse, as Madrid have experienced in the Champions League last 16 stages.

Indeed, the Santiago Bernabeu club positively flourish like flowers in cow poo in Atlético’s charitable home with the Rojiblanco having won just three games in this particular league fixture since the 1983-84 season.

To make matters worse, Atlético have already been beaten three times by Madrid this year - once in the league and twice in the Copa del Rey. Still, it is every Atlético Madrid player’s duty to talk up the club’s chances on Saturday night, even Diego Forlán who once again used a metaphorical foghorn to call on clubs around the world to get him out of the Spanish capital. “Every bad run is broken, it’ll happen one day,” said the Uruguayan hopefully.

LLL Prediction - Away win


Sporting (17th) v Almería (18th)

At last! A footballer who stands alongside the blog is its campaign against idiot footballers whose teams are in trouble trotting out the “we’ve got 87, 14, 8 finals left.” That great man is Sporting’s Roberto Canella who claims that Sunday’s relegation-themed clash against Almería is just another game.

“A final is something you play and you win or lose. If we lose we still have opportunities to make amends. I don’t like to talk about finals as there is still a long way to go,” claimed the fantastic Sporting fullback. “Ten games are a lot of points.”

LLL Prediction - Home win

Hércules (19th) v Osasuna (13th)

Amazingly, the dunderheads running Hércules have realised that not having a training ground, failing to pay your players and having the president publicly insult top players, as has been done with Royston Drenthe on a number of occasions means that relegation is very much on the horizon for the Alicante club. And deservedly so, too.

This is why Hércules have decide to leap on the Levante bandwagon and will be organising their own marketing campaign to get fans behind the team to help the players make the necessary corrections to mistakes currently being made during games. LLL likes to think of it as Hércules getting out of trouble with a campaign of ‘match-fixing’.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Racing Santander (15th) v Real Sociedad (10th)

Marca have being doing a fine job of probing away at the curious dealings of Racing’s new owner, Ali Syed, and the various accusations of fraud that have arisen over the past few weeks, especially in Australia.

“It isn’t easy to read the reports,” admitted Racing president, Francisco Pernía, However it seems that he couldn’t really give two hoots where Ali Syed’s money came from to buy out the club and pay off its debts. “Australia is far away. I don’t know the situation so in this case I believe what he says.”

LLL Prediction - Draw

Málaga (20th) v Espanyol (5th)

As befitting a club with billionaire benefactors, Málaga have come up with a less than novel way of getting their players to win football matches to get them off the bottom of the table - paying them even more.

According to AS, the club will pay the squad €40,000 per point managed if Málaga manage to stay up and between €80,000 and €100,000 if the side reach a tally of 45.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Deportivo (14th) v Levante (12th)

It’s been another week of morose, miserable moaning from Deportivo coach Miguel Angel Lotina who has been busy beavering away on his grand plans on how to grind out another goalless draw at the weekend.

One thing the King of La Coruña hasn’t been doing is mulling over his contract, which runs out at the Galician club - to great relief to its fans no doubt - at the end of the season. “I’ll work until 30th June as if I was carrying on,” intoned Lotina.

LLL Prediction - Goalless Draw

Athletic Bilbao (6th) v Villarreal (4th)

A very handy Thursday night indeed from Villarreal with a 2-1 win over Bayern Leverkusen giving the Yellow Submarine a 5-3 aggregate win over the German side. What’s more Liverpool and Manchester City managed to get themselves knocked out, hopefully giving Villarreal a clear path to Europa League glory. Oh yes.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Valencia (3rd) v Sevilla (7th)

Two teams with two players (one ex, now) who came up with a whole big bag of incomprehensible kaka this week. First up was Luis Fabiano who spent his six year existence at Sevilla whining, complaining and telling the press that he wanted nothing more than to out of the Andalusian city

The Brazilian striker got his wish with a move to Sao Paolo which triggered a farewell press conference with peeled onion in hand to blub and bluster about distressing it was to be leaving. “I’m going back to Brazil but my goals aren’t coming with me, they’ll be forever with Sevilla,” bulls***ed the forward

Another player telling porkies was Ricardo Costa. The defender was pulled off - as it were - in the first half of Valencia’s 4-0 defeat at Zaragoza last week, causing the Portuguese stopper to afford himself a little smile and shake at the head, that definitely wasn’t a non-verbal comment on the managerial abilities of Unai Emery. Oh no.

Apparently Ricardo was merely responding to questions from his teammates on whether he was injured. And nothing more. “This is why I smiled, telling them I had no problem but that it was a bet from the coach.”

LLL Prediction - Home win