Premier Sketch: Six Love

It was just like watching Wimbledon this weekend, but not the franchise who moved to Milton Keynes or the ones who play at Kingstonian. No, you’d be forgiven for thinking you were listening to the All England Lawn Tennis Club championship when an unseeded Brit loses in the first round: 6-0, 6-0, 6-0.

Champions Chelsea notched their second successive six-zip scoreline and on the end of this week’s battering were Wigan, whose start is going from bad to just plain terrible. You have to feel sorry for goalkeeper Chris Kirkland: the poor bloke already suffers from back problems, now he’s bent over 10 times in a week to pick the ball out of his net. 

After receiving an 18-match ban from the French Football Federation, Chelsea’s Nicholas Anelka commented that he was laughing his head off; he must have been wetting his pants after bagging himself a brace of goals at the DW Stadium. Apparently it’s named after Wigan’s publicity-shy owner Dave Whelan, because pretty soon he’ll be the only one watching matches there.

Crap Kits: Wigan homeWhile on the subject of Wigan, just what are they wearing these days? That vertical sash is just so 70s, like bit-part players in a Roy of the Rovers comic strip. What the Latics would do for one of Roy Race’s rockets – although at the moment they'd make do with a Blackie Gray header.

A great start to the new season for Bolton: after a point against Fulham, they got their usual victory at West Ham, this time 3-1. Despite the six-man move for the second, the goal of the game came from Hammers defender Matthew Upson, who pulled off a quite stunning diving header past the safe hands of Robert Green.

Upson bravely lunged in ahead of Bolton’s Kevin Davies making a connection that the Bolton striker could only dream of. To make matters worse, while trying to perform a volley, Davies’ caught Upson full in the face and broke his nose. Still, it’s better than a kick in the teeth.

A week after spanking Wigan, Blackpool came down to earth with one hefty bump – Arsenal handing out another of the weekend’s 6-0 scorelines. Sadly this overexposed the man on the Emirates PA system's embarrassing habit of shouting out only the Gunners’ first names, expecting the Arsenal fans to finish off the job by cringeworthily shouting out the goalscorer’s last name. Let’s give it a try…

Sometime Arsenal and England winger THEOOOO… helped himself to a surprising hat-trick – well, one of his misplaced crosses just had to end up in the back of the net sometime or other. ANDREEEEEY… slammed home a penalty, ABOUUUU… helped himself to a goal and new boy MAROUAAAAANE… opened his Gunners account (after missing an open goal). After last week's mediocre display at Anfield caused pundits to write off their title credentials, Arsenal are now back in favour and touted as potential champions until next week.

The final 6-0 demolishing this week came as a surprise to everyone: Newcastle stuffed a woeful Aston Villa, with Andy Carroll scoring his first hat trick of his Newcastle career. Meanwhile cigar aficionado Joey Barton scored the goal of the game with a 25-yard piledriver. Unfortunately Barton will now be shaving off his moustache only 2 games into the season after promising to keep growing it until his team claimed a victory. Apparently the self-anointed "best midfielder in England" copied the idea from Manchester United’s Gary Neville, who committed 20 years ago to try and grow a tache until neighbours Manchester City win some silverware. Don’t give up Gary, it’s just starting to show.

And finally, last season Manchester United’s second highest goalscorer was a certain Mr. Own Goal, and he’s certainly wasted no time getting off the mark in this season’s campaign at Fulham. Last season, he bagged as many as £30m striker Dimitar Berbatov; we'll keep an eye on it again to see who comes out on top. Maybe we’ll throw in Michael Owen and Chicharito just for good measure…

My tip for tonight: Man City 0, Liverpool 6...

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