Seagulls stupidly sign seasoned shot-stopper, so says Sack...errrm...Back of the Net's Paul Watson...
Brighton boss Gus Poyet has admitted his Ã¢ÂÂcrushing disappointmentÃ¢ÂÂ at completing the signature of 53-year-old former goalkeeper Chris Woods, despite the newcomerÃ¢ÂÂs jubilant presentation to the press yesterday.
The SeagullsÃ¢ÂÂ boss had been hinting at a permanent move for New Zealand striker Chris Wood, who scored two goals in a 2-2 draw with Millwall last night while on loan from West Brom.
But to PoyetÃ¢ÂÂs horror, he appears to have instead snapped up ex-England nearly man and affable former custodian Chris Woods, nearly 14 years after his retirement from the game.
Ã¢ÂÂI canÃ¢ÂÂt deny itÃ¢ÂÂs a bitter, crushing blow for me,Ã¢ÂÂ Poyet told FourFourTwo, tactically avoiding WoodsÃ¢ÂÂ gaze at a press conference to mark the new manÃ¢ÂÂs accidental unveiling.
Ã¢ÂÂI had been dreaming of adding a gifted goal-getter to my overachieving Championship squad, but instead I have, errr, given a second youth to a charming yet hapless face from the past.Ã¢ÂÂ
Apparently unfazed by Poyet then describing the Ã¢ÂÂwave of nauseaÃ¢ÂÂ that accompanied his arrival in Brighton, or the Ã¢ÂÂdeluded, simple grinÃ¢ÂÂ on his Ã¢ÂÂwrinkled yet handsome faceÃ¢ÂÂ, Woods then spoke of his delight at getting the call from Brighton.
Ã¢ÂÂObviously you start to think that your career is over,Ã¢ÂÂ Woods beamed. Ã¢ÂÂBut thatÃ¢ÂÂs life for a Ã¢ÂÂkeeper, you have to expect the odd tough decade.Ã¢ÂÂ
The ex-Sheffield Wednesday man then stressed his belief that an England recall is imminent, spending several minutes revelling in the retirement of Peter Shilton who he labelled a Ã¢ÂÂflash in the panÃ¢ÂÂ.
Woods spent much of his career in ShiltonÃ¢ÂÂs shadow, figuratively as ShiltonÃ¢ÂÂs reserve at Nottingham Forest and for England, and literally as Woods famously walked just a little slower than Shilton, leading him to suffer intermittently from bouts of rickets.
Editor's note: this is satire and not a serious accusation - all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.
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