BotN: Two detained at Heathrow Airport on suspicion of plotting to incite diving

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The authorities have taken drastic action to finally clamp down on the real scourge of football (other than all the racism, corruption and stuff...), reveals Back of the Net's Paul Watson...

Two unnamed footballers have been arrested at London’s Heathrow Airport and face charges of plotting to incite diving in English football, the Metropolitan police have confirmed.

The two men were arrested late last night shortly after their flight touched down and were taken to a Central London police station to be questioned by the Counter Diving Unit.

Diving, long seen as an overseas phenomenon, has started to grow roots in the UK, with shocking pictures emerging of British players committing acts of diving in Premier League matches.

After the stunning revelation from former England star Michael Owen that he had taken part in low-level diving after being led astray by foreign influences, there is pressure on British authorities to prevent the problem escalating.

The Counter Diving Unit is known to be keeping a close eye on so-called ‘diving schools’ in the UK where young players watch videos of refereeing mistakes and read passages of Pavel Nedved’s autobiography ‘Well something definitely clipped my heel.’

“The World Cup qualification period is a challenging time,” foreign secretary William Hague told FourFourTwo.

“Obviously there will be lots of innocent footballers entering the country who have no intention whatsoever of even exaggerating contact let alone diving. But we have to remember that amongst those honest players will be one or two who wish to harm our game.”

San Marino players arriving to face England on Friday evening have already complained of invasive security screening procedures.

“I understand that there need to be [security measures],a” midfielder Alex Gasparoni explained.

“But it really isn’t acceptable to have security officials backing into us, pushing us, grabbing our shirts and shouting ‘surely you want a free-kick for this you Dogana d*ckhead’ at us.

“The whole thing seems completely unnecessary, especially given that we have no intention of getting the ball on Friday evening anyway.”

Despite a vast bounty and football’s largest manhunt, the whereabouts of ideological diving figurehead Rivaldo remain unclear.

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.  

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