Distinct lack of England fans will give us major lift, says Southgate
The fact that no England fans will be allowed in the stadium for their team’s clash with Croatia will give the Three Lions “a major boost”, manager Gareth Southgate has declared.
Southgate, wearing his customary waistcoat, monocle and gold pocket watch, told FourFourTwo that the lack of supporters roaring them on in Zagreb will be worth an extra player.
“It’s hard to overstate just how much of a lift it will give the lads to know that thousands of [fans] aren’t behind them,” Southgate said. “They think they’re helping, but they’re always half a bar behind on God Save The Queen, and the whole thing goes downhill from there.”
Southgate added that his players’ deep antipathy towards England supporters stems from having spent a considerable amount of time in their presence.
“I’ve always maintained that our fans are the worst people in the world, and the lads are all right behind me on that,” he said. “We deeply resent their mix of affection and aggrieved entitlement. It’s like being in an abusive relationship.
“Knowing they’re all sequestered in horrible pubs over a thousand miles away, unable to call any of us a w***er to our faces, is an unbelievable feeling.
“Also, it’s kind of weird how they just follow us around everywhere. A bit stalkerish, if you ask me.”
At press time, Southgate appeared deeply troubled by the news that the England Supporters’ Band had set up outside the stadium and were preparing to play the Theme From Dambusters on repeat for the duration of the game.
Please note: This story is satirical. Like, obviously.