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Distraught Jogi Löw cheers himself up with big bowl of snot

Joachim Low

Joachim Löw has reacted to Germany’s shock World Cup elimination by settling down on the sofa with a nice comforting bowl of delicious snot.

The becardiganed tactician saw his team crash out of the tournament at the hands of South Korea, having earlier been thumped by a vibrant Mexico side on their way to a habitual last-16 exit.

The reigning world champions, who were hotly tipped to finish either there or possibly thereabouts, never got out of second gear, thus demonstrating that pugnacious arrogance will never lead to sporting success, except in 2017, 2014, 1996, 1990, 1980, 1974, 1972, and at various other times.

Römcom comfort

In a bid to take his mind off the team’s failure, a devastated Löw has chosen to re-watch 1990s romantic comedies on DVD while treating himself to his favourite snack of dried nasal discharge.

“I know it’s not the healthiest food in the world, but it reminds me of better times,” Löw told FourFourTwo. “I just like to shovel handfuls of tasty, tasty snot into my mouth while watching Alicia Silverstone’s era-defining performance as Cher Horowitz in Clueless.

10 Things I Hate About You is a great film. But the only thing better than the chemistry between Julia Stiles and Heath Ledger is the comforting, down-home taste of my very own nose-sap.

“After I’m done consuming my mucus secretions, I think I’ll relax by continually adjusting my testicles until I reach a state of inner peace. After all, nobody wants their hands to smell of fresh-baked snot when they could smell of musky ball glands instead.”

Please note: This story is satirical. Like, obviously.

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