Skip to main content

Judge me in 2040, demands Emery

Unai Emery

Unai Emery has told Arsenal supporters that they cannot properly assess him until he has been in place for over two decades.

Gunners fans have been broadly positive about Emery’s new approach, although some murmurings of disapproval have recently been detected over his defensive naivety and the fact that he looks like a vampire who has been reluctantly persuaded to take up vegetarianism.

But the former Paris Saint-Germain coach has called for calm, insisting that he is a normal carnivorous human who deserves the same level of patience as his predecessor, who was given 22 years to get the squad into shape.

“It’s not fair to judge me after 20 games,” Emery told FourFourTwo. “Or only one season, or indeed only one decade.

“This is a long-term project. We need to look beyond the current squad to the youth team, work out what kind of children they might raise, raise those children to adulthood, and integrate them into the starting XI. Only then can we say whether I have been a success.

“Think of the mighty sequoia, standing proud and unchanging for centuries,” Emery added. “Not the mayfly, gone in an instant, forgotten and immediately replaced with another mayfly or Eddie Howe.”

Asked specifically about his side’s 5-1 thrashing against Liverpool, Emery refused to criticise his players, saying that they were mere ephemera who would in time go the way of all flesh.

“We can’t make assumptions about 2040 based on one game” he said.

“We know just one thing about 2040: that environmental destruction, rising automation and resource conflict will lead to a massive increase in inequality and violence, with the people of Earth protected only by the mysterious Ghost Who Walks, aka the Phantom, as depicted in the animated series, Phantom 2040.”

Please note: Obviously, this story is satirical and not real. Obviously. 

New features you’d love on