Men of Madrid await day of doom

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Tonight's Champions League games: APOEL v PortoATLETICO MADRID v Chelsea , Bayern Munich v Bordeaux , Besiktas v VfL Wolfsburg , Maccabi Haifa v Juventus , Manchester United v CSKA Moskva , Milan v REAL MADRID , Olympique Marseille v Zürich

If there's one thing that will surely unite the bickering fans of Madrid’s Big Two on Wednesday morning, it’s the fact that they are all going to be big, fat Champions League losers. Oh yes.

Everyone will be mentally wearing the letter ‘L’ on their foreheads.

Or rather, considering they're Spanish, the letter ‘P’ for 'perdedor' (that's what Beck sings in the chorus of Loser, music and fact fans).

Although ‘P’ could also stand for a number of other nouns.

Pathetico Atlético, for starters, have only managed to beat Zaragoza and Marbella in the season's 13 matches so far, and are on the brink of facing Chelsea at the Vicente Calderón.

That's Frank Lampard and Michael Essien up against Paulo ruddy Assunçao and Cleber blooming Santana.

And that’s not even mentioning the returning Didier Drogba smashing his way through Atlético’s backpedalling back four.

But instead of Carlo Ancelotti threatening to carve out the opposition’s hearts out with spoons, Sheriff of Nottingham-style, the Italian manager set phasers to bore with his pre-match declaration on his counterpart: “Quique is a good manager, who is going to do a good job, has good players but who are not in a good run of form.”

Quique Sánchez Flores - to use his full title - is still in the sunny spell where not even Atlético’s lunatic leaders would consider firing him, so he was able to chirp that despite the impending possibility of a 11-0 drubbing, the Champions League clash “can give us a lot but take very little away from us.”

Except, perhaps, their dignity.

But then again, that headed off to the airport with bags in hand a few seconds after Mallorca’s last-gasp equaliser at the Calderón 10 days ago.

AS are attempting to give the thumbs-up to Atleti by saying that there has already been a revolution in the Rojiblanco ranks – not that La Liga Loca was able to witness any evidence of this against Athletic on Saturday.

The main change, claims the paper, is that the defence is now playing nearer to their own goal-line.

However, La Liga Loca can remember praise being given in the second half of last season to Abel Resino for playing the defensive line further up the pitch, giving the impression that the club is indulging in some kind of year-long hokey-cokey experiment.

And speaking of ridiculous but entertaining follies, Real Madrid are heading to Italian shores - where things never normally go well - to a stadium where they have played 12 competitive games and lost 10 of them. (The other two were draws).

AC Milan are looking to extend this impressive record from the Spanish side with a victory in San Siro.

And to celebrate this great event, Marca have brought together Paolo Maldini and Kaká for Tuesday’s edition.

The result was chaos and controversy in its purest form with the iconic Italian predicting that “we are going to see a great game” while his Brazilian former team-mate spectacularly contradicted The Dishy One by opining that the encounter will be “a special game.”

La Liga Loca was going to write that Milan will be looking to hold their place at the top of the group C table, but it is not sure if that’s entirely correct.

That’s because in Marca’s alternate version of the ranking, it's Madrid who are perched in the No.1 spot.

Both Madrid papers are predicting that Manuel Pellegrini will be sticking with the side that beat Getafe on Saturday night.

But unfortunately, La Liga Loca won’t be able to see a minute of the defeat.

After all, it will be a busy as a beaver in the Vicente Calderón twittering away from 20.30 CET, and finding out whether the very, very grown-up Chelsea fan in full Chelsea kit (including shorts and socks) - but wearing a Real Madrid baseball cap - that La Liga Loca saw on Sunday will be going back to England a happy, clappy man-child.

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