The most fun Real Madrid president ever
When former Real Madrid president RamÃÂ³n CalderÃÂ³n popped up in the news last week, La Liga Loca realised how much it desperately missed the batty old crackpot.
It has been just over a year since a tearful CalderÃÂ³n was forced to resign his post in disgrace after the vote-rigging scandal at MadridÃ¢ÂÂs 2008 AGM.
And the ex-presi has only been reported in dispatches from time to time, either when visiting judges investigating his various legal issues or when claiming that it was he - and not Florentino - who signed Cristiano Ronaldo.
But with a book on the way covering his two-and-half-years at the club, ranting RamÃÂ³n has been in full tinfoil beanie hat mode complaining that those - unnamed by CalderÃÂ³n but not a massive leap to guess who he was talking about - out to get him Ã¢ÂÂwill not stop until they kill me.Ã¢ÂÂ
This fine piece of presidential paranoia sent La Liga Loca into flashback mode over RamÃÂ³nÃ¢ÂÂs best moments during his laugh-a-minute spell at Real Madrid...
As Real Madrid president, CalderÃÂ³n rarely missed the chance to ponce around the planet.
However, it was often more trouble than it was worth.
Take, for example, the day CalderÃÂ³n was detained for several hours in New York in September 2007 by the cityÃ¢ÂÂs ever-friendly immigration officials, who suspected him of being a drug lord.
It was later discovered that RamÃÂ³n merely shared the same name with the gun-toting kingpin.
Still, at least CalderÃÂ³n actually reached his destination, unlike a trip to Mexico two months later when the plane was forced to return to Madrid after idiot pop star Melendi got a little too lubricated and caused a kerfuffle.
La Saeta - super jet
Aviation alienation reached the entire squad with the launch of the clubÃ¢ÂÂs private jet, designed to whisk the players around the world - as long as that whisking took place in daylight hours.
The MD-83 christened Ã¢ÂÂLa SaetaÃ¢ÂÂ was so battered and bruised - and blooming noisy - that it wasn't allowed to fly at night due to the window-shattering volume of its centuries-old engines.
Overnight stays Ã¢ÂÂto aid the recoveryÃ¢ÂÂ of the players, many of whom were terrified of the old rust-bucket, were suddenly all the rage after Champions League away days before La Saeta was quietly returned to the Arizona scrapyard from whence it probably came.
NanÃÂn? Who he?
Handsome young buck NanÃÂn was the scapegoat blamed for organising the vote-rigging nonsense that saw CalderÃÂ³n kicked out of the Bernabeu.
Ã¢ÂÂHeÃ¢ÂÂs not a friend of mine nor in my circle of trust,Ã¢ÂÂ was RamÃÂ³n's defence over the unfortunate affair, noting that he had only met the angel-faced troublemaker five times during his time at the club.
But it was a defence that was weakened a tad when the tapes were replayed of CalderÃÂ³n personally thanking NanÃÂn for helping him to win the 2006 election.
Not to mention that NanÃÂn travelled on away trips with CalderÃÂ³n, had an office near the president's at the Bernabeu and went out with his daughter.
In a speech to 150 students in May 2007 that CalderÃÂ³n later claimed was Ã¢ÂÂprivate,Ã¢ÂÂ the Real Madrid president did wonders for team spirit by insulting Guti (the most promising 30-year-old in football), Beckham (half an actor) and pretty much the rest of the squad for being undereducated, spoilt and unwilling to pay for anything themselves.
Perhaps the finest moment of RamÃÂ³n CalderÃÂ³nÃ¢ÂÂs time at the club.
Perhaps the finest moment of the decade in la Liga.
Perhaps the finest moment of the last five billion years of history.
ItÃ¢ÂÂs Real Madrid against Roma in the Champions League and Hollywood superstar Nicolas Cage is the guest of honour at the Santiago Bernabeu.
The actor is taken to the dressing rooms to meet the players, a minion is sent to get a shirt with his name on the back, and CalderÃÂ³n & Co.Ã¢ÂÂs fawning reaches limits never before seen with MadridÃ¢ÂÂs press head singing to their famous visitor.
But thereÃ¢ÂÂs one problem.
Ã¢ÂÂNicolas CageÃ¢ÂÂ only has a passing resemblance to Nicolas Cage.
And he doesnÃ¢ÂÂt really speak that much English - something well within the Con Air star's skillset.
ThatÃ¢ÂÂs because the Bernabeu visit is all a cunning ruse by Italian comic Paolo Calabresi, who cannot believe what luck he's having in a scam set up for a TV show.
And the only person who apparently sees through the stunt is Totti, who promises Calabresi that he will not ruin the wonderful, wonderful moment when they meet in the changing rooms.
RamÃÂ³n CalderÃÂ³n - La Liga Loca salutes you.
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