Moyes promises good, honest, British failure for Sunderland
(Actual quote, reason for dropping Didier Ndong): "I decided I wanted Jack and Gibbo together. I thought the game might suit more Britishness in the middle of the pitch."
David Moyes has told fans that he will make Sunderland great again, after realising that all the club’s problems this season can be traced back to untrustworthy foreign influences.
Sunderland are languishing bottom of the Premier League, but Moyes has finally identified the cause of their struggles – a lack of old-fashioned British grit.
After dropping Didier Ndong when he discovered with a jolt that the midfielder wasn’t British, Moyes was disturbed to realise that other foreigners may be lurking within his squad.
“I thought Fabio Borini was from Scarborough and Wahbi Khazri was from South Shields, but it turns out they’re from abroad,” Moyes told FourFourTwo.
I thought Fabio Borini was from Scarborough and Wahbi Khazri was from South Shields
“Sunderland has become a club of decadent, cosmopolitan excess. The fans have become sick of our charismatic, flamboyant style of play. It’s time we went back to true British football and I promise I will stamp out any traces of lily-livered exoticism."
Moyes has identified short passing, incisive movement and controlling the ball with fewer than three touches as ‘foreign’ traits that must be eradicated through extra training sessions, which will largely be dedicated to running up hills while his coaching staff bellow generic slogans at them.
Passion, no passing
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“We’re in a dogfight and what we need is grit, heart, determination and many other British characteristics that cannot be proven empirically and are largely euphemisms for hacking lumps out of opposition players.
“What we don’t need is these foreigners imposing their values on us, passing the ball artfully and searching for openings in the defence when there’s a perfectly good chance to lump it forward 60 metres – like we used to do in the good old days when everyone on the field was British and going to a game was a grim, boring ritual punctuated by periods of ultra violence.”
Reports suggest that Moyes has already begun to impose his new regime, brutally shutting down an illicit training ground rondo and replacing it with a game of British Bulldog.
Please note: This satirical news story is not real. Like, obviously.