Newcastle fans' nipples still erect from Old Trafford win
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The Newcastle United supporters who toplessly cheered on their side’s victory at Old Trafford last Saturday are yet to experience any softening of their proud, exposed nipples, according to reports from Tyneside.
Newcastle were deserved 1-0 victors over Manchester United in a game distinguished by fine individual performances from Fabricio Coloccini and goalscorer Yohan Cabaye, and by their fans’ now habitual state of partial nudity.
The serried ranks of bare-chested Magpies fans sung their hearts out in support of their team, while their nipples grew ever harder with euphoria. A majority of fans elected to remain triumphantly semi-nude after the final whistle, with up to 35,000 pairs of nipples understood to have experienced no measurable unstiffening in the six days since the famous victory.
“When the lads are playing well, you don’t feel the cold,” said topless Barry Scott, 38. “I’ll know it’s time to put the shirt back on when these bad boys [his nipples] settle back down again. And there’s been no sign of that happening any time soon.”
His view was echoed by another lifelong Newcastle fan, whose nipples also remain defiantly rigid.
“The way the lads are playing now, we could beat anyone,” said shirtless Micky Bradshaw, 43. “[Tim] Krul’s been immense, so has [Loïc] Remy, and credit to Alan Pardew, he’s really turned it round.
“But if you ask me, it’s really down to these,” he added, indicating his firm, pointy nipples. “I haven’t worn a shirt since late October, and since then we’ve won five from six in the league.
“Coincidence? You tell me. All I know is that right now, these nipples could cut glass.”
Experts suggest that this is unlikely to be the last time that Newcastle fans are spotted flaunting their ardent nipples. So far this season, they have held demonstrations of mass toplessness to express their fury at the re-hiring of Joe Kinnear, to express their mourning at the derby defeat to Sunderland, and to express their mild satisfaction at a well-worked corner routine against Hull.