Nobody acts funny, nobody gets hurt, new Watford owners insist

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There's a new capo at Vicarage Road and Paul Watson speculates wildly (and, obviously, incorrectly)...

Watford’s new owners the Pozzo family have reassured fans that they almost certainly aren’t looking to usher in a reign of terror at Vicarage Road.

The Hornets have been taken over by an Italian family that already owns Serie A side Udinese and Spanish outfit Granada.

Within hours of the Pozzos’ arrival, popular manager Sean Dyche had resigned completely of his own free will, giving a statement in which he thanked everyone at the club for a rewarding season at the helm and wishing the new owners "all the success in the world" before concluding "please for the love of God spare my family".

Gianfranco Zola has been installed as the new boss after signing a lifetime contract and has been issued a palatial gated mansion, a silenced .22 pistol and an attractive yet materialistic comare.

"Er, when I said we needed firepower…"

Some Watford fans have expressed fears that the soul of the club could be damaged by the foreign takeover.

Few have forgotten Wimbledon’s infamous sponsorship deal with the Mafia in the 1980s. While the Dons were improbable FA Cup winners in 1988, their achievement was marred by the clipping of Liverpool’s Nigel Spackman at half-time and the subsequent melting down of the famous trophy to produce knock-off watches.

“We aren’t the bad guys,” the Pozzo family insisted in a statement to reassure Watford fans. “And as long as Watford are promoted from the Championship next year there’s no reason why anyone needs to get hurt.

“We just want to protect our way of life, our code of ethics. Where I’m from, a man dreams of building a modest football empire in Hertfordshire, signing Cardiff’s sub goalkeeper and grabbing a workmanlike point away to Crystal Palace and if anyone tries to stop him living that dream, he must fight for it."

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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