Schuster: “You wouldn’t want to see me when I’m angry”

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On Tuesday, the panic levels of the Catalan press were that of a fainting and flustered Victorian spinster faced with a very naked and very drunk David Hasslehoff.

The following day, the feelings of fear had subsided enough to resemble the mild discomfort felt by a busy-body Barcelona bureaucrat coming across a city employee that is not completely clued up on the history of Catalunya since Roman times.

Barça’s 3-1 victory over Sporting in the Champions league displayed all the hallmarks of their current campaign.

Andrés Iniesta attempting to beat the goalie from 35 yards, Leo Messi trying to beat everyone on the pitch - including his team-mates - and Thierry Henry beating the crap out of the advertising hoardings.

Messi tries and fails to do it all himself again 

But the win at the Camp Nou also showed moments of genuine brilliance and La Liga Loca suspects that someone will be on the end of a 27-0 shoeing at some point this season. Probably Betis.

Sport still have lingering doubts over Barça version 2.0 with Josep Maria Casanovas moaning on Wednesday that “we cannot hide that we have doubts over the direction of this team.”

His newspaper partner-in-crime, Lluis Mascaó - whose stare shares the same intensity and confusion as Guti reading the instructions to a Pot Noodle - has a pop at Messi claiming that" “tonight we saw the two faces of Messi.” However the Catalan commentator notes that on balance he came out in credit on the night.

Atlético’s return to the proper, proper, Champions League turned out better than even they expected with a Kun Agüero-inspired 3-0 thumping of PSV.

And the performance of the Maradona-marrying striker gave more credence to the declaration of La Liga Loca’s notoriously unreliable Atleti insider that the rojiblancos are resigned to selling Kun this summer.

Aguero slams home two in pummelling of PSV 

Especially as their new stadium deal could be considerably harder to finance thanks to the mortgage-mismanaging antics of a few coked-up City types.

On Wednesday, a Nihat and Rossi-less Villarreal will be attempting to grind out a draw in Old Trafford whilst Real Madrid play a curious looking game against the totalatarian regime based FC BATE - or FC Car and Tractor Electrical Equipment to give them their full name.

And La Liga Loca is looking forward to the prospect of watching a team backed by a paranoid and media-controlling president who is stuck in the past and willing to stamp out dissent by any means necessary take on the plucky Belarusians - (‘Boom’ and indeed ‘Tish’).

Because the blog’s knowledge of Ruskie affairs is based on “The Hunt for Red October,” the blog is also expecting to receive messages from Belarus journalists wanting to defect.

The Real Madrid topic of the week - aside from Marca’s ongoing ‘isn’t Raúl a dish campaign!’ - has been ‘just how grumpy can Bernd Schuster be?’

Judging by last Sunday’s post match press conference, very, very grumpy. La Liga Loca was five rows back and still felt the cold, uncomfortable sensation of Schuster’s death stare peering into the deepest darkest depths of the blog’s wafer-thin soul.

The German coach was at his sneering, snarling, sulking best and prompted Marca’s Roberto Gómez to comment that: “if the match is at 10 at night, he is angry. If the match is at five he’s angry.”

"Keep calm and carry on..." 

And if he has to speak to cretins like you Roberto, I imagine he turns into a poorly CGI’d Hulk. Schuster Smash!

At the conference before the Belarus match, Schuster was quizzed by a suicidal hack on why he was such a sourpuss all the time.

“I have said that we will speak of Champions League issues and nothing else!” was the yelled reply. “Besides, nobody has seen me really angry, yet,” added the Real Madrid coach with the hint of smile.

If Real Madrid fail to get a cricket score on Wednesday night, that moment may not be too far away.