Welcome back, sports fans, to Video Stars, FourFourTwoâÂÂs review of the best, worst and funniest football action the game has given us over the past seven days.
Never afraid to tackle the big questions, this week weâÂÂve gone and got all scientific, crunching the numbers to determine which country plays host to the best league in the world.
ItâÂÂs the age-old debate. Does Ligue 1 lead the way, is the Bundesliga beyond compare, or does the Premier LeagueâÂÂs pre-eminence take prominence?
Well fear not, the data has been recorded (back of a fag packet), the supercomputers have churned the figures (then the laptop broke) and we have consulted some of the gameâÂÂs finest boffins (Browny and Big Al down the pub), and now, we have the answers.
While it might not be a fair test, our grasp of mathematics might be modest, and physics might not be our forte, we do know what makes for a decent larrup, a priceless oggie and a quality clanger.
So expect more pie and Bovril than Pythagoras, more Alan Hansen than Archimedes, and Newton more Eddie than Sir Isaac, as we explore and examine the week that was.
OWN GOALS
It might have been Einstein who suggested that comedy is the sum of an own goal, squared (C=OGò), but it probably wasnâÂÂt.
SevillaâÂÂs Ivica Dragutinovic gets us underway with an oggie that suggests he probably didnâÂÂt do too well at trigonometry at school.
The Serbian gets his angles all wrong, heading home into the bottom corner for Dan âÂÂnamed after a Rolf Harris animal showâ PetrescuâÂÂs Unirea (at 14s).
Meanwhile, in The Best League In The World TM, Sam Ricketts and Jussi Jaaskelainen become hapless victims to the ballâÂÂs extraordinary gravitational pull, as they both hurtle blindly toward one another before the full-back skulls the ball into an unguarded net, condemning Bolton to a 2-0 defeat at the hands of Blackburn. Noddy! (at 6m43s)
Brizzle CityâÂÂs Louis Carey fluffs his interception, managing only to apply the finishing touch to an off-target Simon Cox effort, and gift high-flyers West Brom a 3-0 lead (at 1m 17s).
Take a look at this mkâÂÂclanger from MK Dons striker Aaron Wilbraham, who proves he really knows where the goal is by nodding home a free-kick to hand Southend a leveller at Roots Hall. Wrong goal Aaron! (at 32s)
HuddersfieldâÂÂs Anthony Pilkington smashes a thunderous free-kick against the post, and the ball ricochets in off HartlepoolâÂÂs Peter Hartley. Jammy! (at 58s)
Ryan Garry somehow manages to loop this free-kick over his own goalkeeper from approximately 1463 centimetres out (about 16-yards) to hand Macclesfield the lead against Bournemouth. (at 52s)
And finally, the imaginatively named John Johnson, on loan from Middlesbrough, puts his shooting boots on for Northampton (the Cobblers jokes write themselves), timing his run perfectly to slot Clayton Donaldson's low cross into his own net against Crewe. (at 1m)
GOALS
Before we dive into the top six goals of the week, letâÂÂs look at the facts and figures of the goals that didnâÂÂt quite make the cut.
Excuse us if the technical terms are excessive, but weâÂÂll try not to go off on a tangent (oh dear).
WeâÂÂre not sure what the result says about the quality of the Premier League, but how could a game that finished 9-1 not make its way on to Video Stars this week?
Watch as TottenhamâÂÂs Niko Krancjarrifles the ball in off the woodwork from just inside the area for Spursâ 48th goal of the game, more or less.
More domestic action as David Dunn scores BlackburnâÂÂs opener against Bolton. The midfielder finishes off this flowing move with a fine curling effort for his sixth goal of the season. (2m27s)
Over in the A-League, the Central Coast Mariners smashed Robbie FowlerâÂÂs North Queensland Fury 5-1, with Nik MrdjaâÂÂs free-kick the pick of the bunch.
His low, hard angled shot finds its way through the defensive wall (possibly by osmosis) and into the net.
Fast forward this to 16s to watch Grant Holt's delightful chip from just inside the area for Norwich's opener against Brighton.
And then have a look at ValenciaâÂÂs David Albelda going one better against Osasuna, as the veteran midfielder delicately lobs home from all of 60ft out in Los CheâÂÂs 3-1 victory.
A Champions League goal now, and after some slick Barça passing (who would have thought it?), Dani Alves, who averages 6,500 crosses a game, digs out a far-post ball which is met by Pedro, who volleys home sweetly from a tight angle against Inter.
Back in Blighty, another flowing team move, this time from Stoke (seriously, who would have thought it?) is finished off by Ricardo Fuller, who turns nimbly on the edge of the area against Pompey, before curling his shot into the far corner.
Not bad for a team that average four passes a game (stat not verified).
If momentum is mass times velocity, then this lad leathers the hell out of this one. ChelseaâÂÂs Florent Malouda sets Chelsea on their to another convincing win, this time against Wolves, marauding his way forward and larruping home from 20 yards.
Manchester UnitedâÂÂs world player of the year, Cristiano...sorry, Darren Fletcher, fires home this cracking, curling top-corner belter, on the volley, past a despairing Tim Howard in the 3-0 victory over Everton. (at 1m40s)
In the Nether-regions, watch yet another top corner lasher, as PSV make the breakthrough on the stroke of half-time courtesy of Ibrahim Afellay's neat step-over and powerful shot against Heracles.
And in the same game, Jagos Vukovic dispels friction resistance by belting home this cracker from 30 yards, the ball seemingly accelerating off the turf before finding the bottom corner for PSVâÂÂs fourth.
Over in Germany, HoffenheimâÂÂs Carlos Eduardo attempts to replicate VukovicâÂÂs strike at 42s, hammering the hexagons at over 4,000mph (acceleration measured by eye) inside the far post from 28-yards against Cologne.
In La Liga, Renato thunders home his third of the season from the edge of area for SevillaâÂÂs winner in the 2-1 victory over Tenerife.
The Brazilian midfielder crashes his unstoppable drive past Aragoneses at what our experts believe may have been greater than, or equal to, the speed of light.
Goran Popov nets one hell of a consolation goal for Hereenveen in the 4-1 defeat to popular cleaning product Ajax (though this might have been European footballing greats Ajax â awaiting confirmation), with this first-time left-footed wallop.
And in Scotland, former Celtic striker Derek Riordan fires Hibs into the lead against St. Dame Helen Mirren (again â awaiting confirmation), with a 30-yarder hit so hard the ball would have probably orbited the circumference of the globe for 17 months had Paul GallacherâÂÂs net not gotten in its way. (at 2m28s)
Staying across the border, hover your cursor over 2m3s to witness Falkirk defender Chris Mitchell get his free-kick to goal ratio 100 percent right with this floated, top-corner effort from 25 yards against Hamilton Academicals.
â¨â¨HereâÂÂs a puzzling algorithm for you.
How does a Sodje get sent off for Charlton but still go on to get his name on the score-sheet?
Answer: Akpo Sodjebatters the ball home from 25-yards against Yeovil, after brother Sam had seen red. What are the chances? SodjeâÂÂs Law.
A couple of clipped efforts to finish.
First, RotherhamâÂÂs Adam Le Fondre (remember the name) writes his own Brief History of (injury) Time in the victory over Torquay, with this deft lob at 1m41s.
But at 38s, James Collins proves heâÂÂs got an even bigger lob in his pocket, scooping home from all of 35 yards for Darlington after Motley CrueâÂÂs drummer... sorry, ChesterfieldâÂÂs goalkeeper, Tommy Lee, charges out of his goal.
GOALS OF THE WEEK
With curves so spectacular there can be no congruent, and strikes from distances so great you donâÂÂt know where to put the decimals, these are the goals that set themselves apart.
So enjoy, as we extrapolate, in alphabetical order, the top six from the past 604,800 seconds of football action.
You might need a physicist to sit with you for this one at 1m2s. Try and count the rotations as Adam Lallana scores a perspective-altering curler for Southampton at Hartlepool. BENDER!
Adam Le Fondre judges time and space to expertly pull off a stunning overhead kick for Rotherham at 1m46s. ZING!
Forget the Hadron Collider, weâÂÂve got Carlos Marchena. The Valencia midfielder writes his own big-bang theory with this spectacular dipping volley. PHWOAR!
Tonight Matthew IâÂÂm going to be Dennis Bergkamp. AjaxâÂÂs Demy de Zeeuw auditions for Video Stars In Their Eyes with deft control and devastating volley, reminiscent of another half-decent Dutchman. BANG!
Wenger reckons itâÂÂs because Brazilians have small ankles. But whatever the reason, watch DenilsonâÂÂs swerving, perplexing 30-yarder which made LiegeâÂÂs âÂÂkeeper look, well, Standard. WHOOSH!
Spectacular set-piece from Brizzle CityâÂÂs Paul Hartley at 1m40s, who sends home this scintillating free-kick from all of 0.017045 miles out (30-yards). CRASH!
OOPS
As good as that lot was, what follows is proportionally as bad.
Aristotle, Darwin and Hawking would probably struggle to explain how professional footballers can make such hilarious howlers.
Hell, even Lineker, Townsend or Merson might have trouble. Which is why we modestly call this section â OOPS.
Yes, itâÂÂs that game again. The one where Defoe had a scoring ratio of one goal every 0.5 seconds.
Watch Emmerson Boyce make Titus Bramble look like a defensive demi-god as he lunges haplessly, misses the ball and lets Defoe through on goal, as WiganâÂÂs defence does its best to prove chaos theory.
An absolute corker for you now.
The difference between Australian football rules and Australian Rules Football obviously got lost in translation for Brazilian Enrique.
Out of position, the Brisbane Roar defender pulls off one of the most blatant and deliberate handballs you will see, before stacking it in dramatic fashion.
WeâÂÂre not sure if it was a sniper or an invisible Paulo Di Canio, but he goes down like a sack of fish.
Another worldy clip here, as BradfordâÂÂs Gareth EvansâÂÂs last-gasp penalty against Accrington misses the target and wipes out a Bantams fan behind the goal. Rumours that it was his mother-in-law are unsubstantiated.
This is probably an own goal, but itâÂÂs a little harsh on FrankfurtâÂÂs Oka Nikolov, given that Marco Russsmashes an attempted clearance against his face as the ball ricochets into the net, so we put it down as an OOPS.
Either way, itâÂÂs f*****g funny. (2m 57s)
SpartakâÂÂs âÂÂkeeper Stipe Pletikosa will probably be encouraged to stop his pre-match ritual off rubbing grease and other lubricants onto his gloves before a match, after letting this tame shot slip right through his hands to gift rivals CSKA their winner in a 3-2 thriller.
And finally, over in Spain, VillarrealâÂÂs Ivan Marcano does his best to make sure La Liga doesnâÂÂt top our strongest league in the world poll, under-hitting this back-pass to put ValladolidâÂÂs Diego Costa clean through on goal.
So, just what is the best league in the world?
Well, weâÂÂve crunched the numbers, done the long division (pardon the pun) and carried all the ones, and can now reveal that the strongest league in the world is:
The Isles of Scilly Football League.
Seriously, the footage is amazing. We just couldnâÂÂt get the videos to work â honest.
Written by Sam Smith. Send goal/gaffe suggestions to gary.parkinson@haymarket.com or our Twitter feed.
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