Wenger insisting on courting transfer targets with poetry, hand-carved love spoons
Arsene Wenger is facing serious questions over his modus operandi in the transfer market after it emerged that he sends handwritten transfer requests in the form of a series of laboriously crafted love sonnets.
In recent times Arsenal have missed out on a host of high-profile targets despite appearing to be in pole position for their signatures.
While it has been suggested that the Gunners lack the financial clout of rival suitors, a leak from a source inside the club has now questioned Wenger’s insistence on wooing his targets with verse and trinkets.
In this day and age you simply can’t spend six weeks agonising over a suitable metaphor for Higuain’s right foot
“[Wenger] still writes all his transfer requests by hand. And instead of simply naming the player and the proposed fee, he writes a series of sonnets inspired by various traits of the player in question,” an insider told FFT.
“These sonnets can take anywhere between a few days and several years, depending on the number and the complexity of the conceits therein.
“In this day and age you simply can’t spend six weeks agonising over a suitable metaphor for Higuain’s right foot. But Arsene refuses to even discuss money until he’s made the player in question swoon with his hyperbolic wordplay.
“And that’s not to mention the love spoons.”
MORE BACK OF THE NET
Insiders at the Emirates Stadium indicate that Wenger feels it necessary to present each transfer objective with a hand-whittled wooden love spoon – a practice that has been obsolete since West Brom signed Rob Earnshaw in 2004.
“Never let it be said that Arsene doesn’t whittle a handsome love spoon, but I fear that by the time his current mahogany masterpiece is complete, [Shkodran] Mustafi might be off the market, or have retired,” our source told FFT.
“Various directors have tried gently telling Wenger on multiple occasions that he’s no more required to produce a love spoon or a sonnet in a transfer deal than he is to pen a four-movement serenade on the lute, but to be fair [Olivier] Giroud does still whistle sections of the opera Wenger wrote for him ['Ode To The Oft’ Profligate Frenchman'] around the place from time to time.”
“I just wish Wenger would just embrace the modern age and send over his offers with the fax machine like everyone else.”
Please note: This satirical news story is not real. But you knew that, obviously.