Skip to main content

Wenger issues hands-off warning for pie cooling on windowsill

Arsene Wenger Arsenal

Arsene Wenger has told would-be pie thieves to keep their distance after placing a piping hot apple crumble on the windowsill to cool.

The freshly baked dish, which includes blackberries and cinnamon as well as Wenger’s signature nutmeg, has been attracting significant interest after reports described it as “delectable” and “moist”.

But Wenger has insisted the pie is not available, despite placing it in full view of the street, where its alluring aroma is expected to entice passersby to stare at it longingly while drooling.

A kitchen insider said: “I’ve got a good look at the crust, and it’s a perfect golden brown, proving that Arsene [Wenger] hasn’t skimped on the butter or the muscovado [sugar].

“Arsene knows his baked goods, and this could be his finest creation since last summer’s [strawberry] pavlova which ultimately convinced [Alexis] Sanchez to stay in London.”

Wenger acknowledged that the pie would most certainly be delicious, especially when served up with a generous spoonful of creme Chantilly.

He said: “The unattended pie will doubtless attract admirers who lack the patience to create their own pies, but I’ve made it clear the pie is going nowhere, so that is that.

“All I’m thinking about now is turning my back for a while as I hand-illustrate [Kieran] Gibbs’s new contract. Then I will serve myself a large portion of nicely cooled crumble. I can practically taste [it] already.

“I would hate it if someone took this opportunity to sneak up to the window and steal [the pie] from under my nose, causing my eyes to pop out of my head in alarm when I notice it is missing, but I don’t see how that could possibly happen.”

Meanwhile, unconfirmed reports have emerged of Pep Guardiola approaching the unguarded windowsill while disguised as a handyman, carrying a ladder and a burlap sack and whistling a nonchalant tune.

Please note: This satirical news story is not real. Like, obviously.

More funny stuff • New features you’d love