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Pull the other one
Crystal Palace goalkeeper Wayne Hennessey was spotted with one arm aloft in a salute and the other above his mouth in an alarming Instagram post on Sunday. It was later removed but, after causing a stir online, the Welshman tried to calm the waters via Twitter.
"I waved and shouted at the person taking the picture to get on with it and at the same time put my hand over my mouth to make the sound carry. It's been brought to my attention that frozen in a moment by the camera this looks like I am making a completely inappropriate type of salute. I can assure everyone I would never ever do that."
Not convinced? Try this lot for size…
Wish I was a little bit taller
After yet another failed qualifying campaign, Gordon Strachan finally put the finger on Scotland’s 20-year absence from major international competition at the end of the Russia 2018 qualifiers.
"Genetically we are behind," he said. "In the last campaign we were the second smallest, apart from Spain. We had to pick a team to combat the height and strength at set-plays. Genetically we have to work at things – maybe we get big women and men together and see what we can do. But it's a problem for us because we have to fight harder for every ball and jump higher than anyone else."
Perhaps somebody should point out to Gordon that Spain have done fairly well over the last decade.
Driving Villa mad
Aston Villa fans weren’t too happy after seeing their side hammered 6-0 by Liverpool in February 2016, but their mood soured further when defender Joleon Lescott posted a picture of an expensive sports car after the humiliating defeat.
The former England international apologised for the display, before explaining the social media gaffe: "I would like to add that the tweet sent out from my account involving a picture of a car was totally accidental it happened whilst I was driving and my phone was in my pocket."
Impressive, given the four-step process needed to send a tweet...
Rupert’s Lowe blow
As chairman of a football club, the power of hiring and firing is yours. Right? Not according to former Southampton top dog Rupert Lowe.
He blamed a “constant stream of negative and unfair media coverage” for his own decision to relieve boss Paul Sturrock of his duties just two matches into the 2004/05 campaign.
“Those people responsible for perpetrating this unsatisfactory situation should take a long hard look at themselves,” Lowe complained, the hypocrisy apparently going unnoticed.
"You wouldn’t tackle a man in glasses..."
For bespectacled Feyenoord defender Joop van Daele, netting the winning goal in the 1970 Intercontinental Cup final was the pinnacle of his career.
However, it was memorable for another reason, as bitter Estudiantes player Oscar Malbernat trampled the Dutchman’s glasses to pieces in the aftermath.
The Argentine explained his petulant behaviour by saying: “You shouldn’t play football in glasses – not in South America.” Lesson learned.
Fergie’s squeaky bum time
Sir Alex Ferguson was taken to court in 1999 after driving down the hard shoulder, but the legendary Manchester United boss described his erratic decision as an “emergency” as he was suffering from acute diarrhoea.
“When I got on the M602 I started to feel the cramps again,” the Scot explained.
At least it’s more plausible than ‘invisible’ grey kits.
Casper the overfriendly ghost
Peruvian footballers Carlos Flores and Jose Carranza made a sterling effort of demonstrating how to fail at covering up an affair.
Carranza, who played for Universitario, said he had been abducted in 2003, three months before his pregnant wife’s due date, while in truth he was off gallivanting with cheerleader Shirley Cherres, who said: “It looked like he enjoyed his kidnapping to me.”
Then, in 2009, Flores was discovered in the street bloody, emotional and in the nude, saying he was being pursued by a ghost. Later he admitted: “I made up the poltergeist; I didn’t want my wife to find out I was partying with some fitties.” Dignity saved...
“The thread of the socks is too rough”
No one will deny that feet are a pretty crucial body part for football, but Italy’s players went a bit too far when they were held to a goalless draw against Denmark at Euro 2004 in 34-degree heat.
“It was like having your feet on boiling sand,” whinged Francesco Totti, while Christian Panucci pointed out that “the thread of the socks is too rough”.
As usual, Alessandro Nesta emerged as the voice of reason. “They’re going to take us for being ridiculous,” he said. “Totti is so good he could play barefoot.”
Mooney rubs in the bald truth
Rotherham goalkeeper Chris Mooney was left red-faced when he let a harmless effort trundle through his legs, a gaffe that has gone down in club folklore.
However, he was armed with an explanation, complaining that centre-back Nick Smith’s bald head had reflected the bright sunshine into his eyes.
Talk about rubbing it in…
Too famous to be banned
In February 20015, Robbie Savage was stopped driving at 99mph, but escaped with six points on his licence and a £600 fine after his lawyer said the BBC pundit couldn’t use public transport because he was ‘regularly accosted.’
Three years earlier, Tony Pulis pulled off the same escape act while Stoke manager when he was caught going 96mph on a 60mph road. The transgression meant the Welshman had 15 points on his licence, but he was slapped with a £2,585 fine instead of a ban.
Why? His lawyer argued that Pulis couldn’t use a chauffeur because he needed his telephone conversations to be private. “The people of Stoke-on-Trent could suffer if Mr Pulis lost his licence and lost his job,” he waffled.
Shhh! Genius at work
The rowdiest scenes in Sutton, other than occasional episodes of 'The Bill', came with a famous 1989 FA Cup win over First Division outfit Coventry.
That result sparked noisy jubilation from the fans, but when Sutton United forward Adrian Bradnam fluffed his lines in a different match, he blamed his own supporters for being too loud.
Vashchuk goes hopping mad
When Ukraine were unceremoniously thrashed 4-0 in the 2006 World Cup by Spain, Vladislav Vaschuk had no doubt where to point the finger.
“Because of the frogs’ croaking,” the defender explained. “We hardly got a wink of sleep.”
In their defence, a spokeswoman for the Seminaris Seehotel in Potsdam replied: “There are also birds near our lake. In the morning they wake up and start cheeping. Should we go and catch all of them?”
Brolin's flying visit
Leeds’ Swedish star Tomas Brolin had his own issues with birds.
Heading to the airport to join the Elland Road club for pre-season in the summer of 1997, the midfielder drove into a feathered foe, smashing his windscreen and leaving him too shaken up to complete his journey.
Swedish media later produced pictures of the damage – initially thought to be from a collision with an elk – and furious manager George Graham left Brolin out of Leeds’ official team photo.
King Kenny’s over-inflated balls
Kenny Dalglish had some explaining to do after his Newcastle side were held to a 1-1 draw by non-league Stevenage in the FA Cup third round in 1998.
Thankfully, King Kenny was armed with the reason that Alan Shearer and co. couldn’t break down a team who were rumoured to have signed their striker Giuliano Grazioli on loan for three packets of crisps and a Mars bar.
“The balls were too bouncy,” said the Scot. Right.
