Former Tottenham and England striker Gary Lineker answers FourFourTwo's daft questions back in January 2006.
Hi Gary. Mourinho or Wenger?
Oh Mourinho now. He's the new Wenger.
Good. Right, enough about football. When did you last wear fancy dress?
In the summer: I was a doctor at a Carry On party. Stethoscope, white jacket...
Ooh, matron, etc. Got any tats to show us?
What do you think? Never. It's the pain and the sheer stupidity of them. And I'm a coward.
Us too. Now, you've got a reputation for being rather tanned. Sunbeds or spray-on?
Neither. I'm dark-skinned. I've only got to walk onto the golf course to get colour on my face.
Not all those glamorous foreign jaunts?
Oh yeah, that too. I'm never shy of blagging a holiday when I can get away with it.
Pick up any swear words on your travels?
[Sounds pleased] Certainly! Hijo de puta is son-of-a-bitch in Spanish, but it's a bit stronger than in English. Ostia – that's bloody hell... [continues at potty-mouthed length]
Tasty. Now, if the Match of the Day team were locked in a studio and starving, who'd get eaten first, once the crisps ran out?
Hopefully not me, although I am the smallest.
Surely that would work in your favour?
Yeah. But who first? [Umms and aahs] Oh, I'd say Lawro. He's such a nice guy, he'd do anything. He's that sort of chap.
And who'd be the last man standing?
[Like a flash] Hansen, obviously. He's a bully.
And who'd be the tastiest?
Peter Schmeichel. There's so much meat on him. He'd be like Danish bacon.
Have you ever done a yard of ale?
No, no – I'm useless at drinking beer.
What was the last time you broke the law?
Oh, I went through a red light a while ago. I was being harried by some kids in a car. They were messing around and I was trying to get away from them. I ran a red light and got flashed. I got three points and a fine.
Unlucky. What's the biggest piece of fruit you can fit in your mouth in one go?
FourFourTwo has seen someone get a whole Granny Smith in...
Probably a pineapple, then.
No, not really. I'd probably go for a satsuma. Yeah, they tend to have more give than your clementines. It would be easier to get it in.
But you've still got to get it out. What's on your iPod? Crazy Frog?
[Disgusted] Crazy Frog? No, it's all that rap rubbish. Ice-Thingy, and 50 Cent, that stuff.
Would you drown a bag of puppies for cash?
[Alarmed] Would I what?
Sink the dogs for money. Well, would you?
Certainly not! I earn a decent living. What would I want to drown puppies for?
Erm, erm, can you tell us a joke?
To revive a little levity?
[Stonier] Yes I can. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. [Pause] Genius.
Indeed. Ever played air guitar at a party?
[Suddenly breezy again] No! And never would.
Not even for cold, hard cash?
Depends how much. Maybe for five million... [Suddenly laughs] Of all the interviews I've ever done, this is definitely the most ridiculous. Congratulations.
We aim to please. What's your favourite pie ?
[Immediately] Steak and kidney.
Not even a hint of hesitation...
No question. I'm not into mushroom and cheese or a�nything like that. I'm quite partial to a bit of kidney and livers, anything like that.
When did you last play a practical joke on someone? Bucket of water on the door-frame? Cling-film on the bog seat?
Ah, I'm doing that sort of stuff with the kids all the time, but they always think I'm lame...
Kids can be so cruel...
Christ. When did you last punch someone?
Ah, now you're going back to schooldays. I got hit with one of those big wooden poles you open windows with. So I punched the kid. But I can't remember hitting anyone since then. I'm getting old, I'm very placid now.
And where are you calmly off to now?
The school run...
Well, mind out for those window poles...
Right you are. Bye!
Interview: Dan Jones. From the January 2006 issue of FourFourTwo. Subscribe!