Berbatov transfer listed for talking about death too much

We are part of The Trust Project What is it?

The happy-go-lucky striker looks set to depart Old Trafford, according to Back of the Net's John Foster...

Manchester United forward Dimitar Berbatov has been told to find a new club, after Sir Alex Ferguson finally lost patience with the Bulgarian’s fixation with death and the inexorable march toward oblivion that is the fate of all mankind, according to reports from Old Trafford.

Berbatov, 31, lost his place in the United first team during the latter part of last season, ostensibly for tactical reasons, but unofficially because playing alongside him made teammates uncomfortably aware of the inevitability of their personal mortality.

“It gives me the creeps”, admitted team-mate Chris Smalling. “Dimi never calls for the ball, he just shouts out words like ‘entropy’ and ‘nothingness’.”

“You get all sorts of banter in the dressing-room, but Dimi just talks about subjective reality and the impossibility of justice in a world without God, and then everything goes a bit quiet.”

“It’s especially tough on Ryan Giggs. He knows the end is near, he doesn’t need Dimi to give him a different Kafka story every week.”

Berbatov’s attitude has been contrasted by many to that of Paul Scholes, who came out of retirement in January to roll back the years in United’s midfield.

“Scholesy’s playing like he’s always played,” Manchester United assistant boss Mike Phelan told, “But then, Scholesy has no concept of time. Everything Paul does takes place in the ever-changing now, with no sense of the past or the future.

“Every year he is surprised and delighted by the changing of the seasons. Death holds no fear for him. It’s as if he were a disciple of the great philosopher Epicurus, or an alsatian.”

Meanwhile, Berbatov has also incurred his manager’s wrath by ignoring the on-field action while seated on the bench, preferring to re-read Johann Wolfgang von Goethe’s The Sorrows of Young Werther.

He is also believed to have skipped training more than once to work on a new Bulgarian translation of Les Fleurs Du Mal by Charles Baudelaire, an author who Ferguson has repeatedly criticised as affected and self-indulgent.

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

More from Back of the Net