The Razor Merchant Hating Prem Predictions

More Premier League predictions from Huw Davies, who casts his eye over this week's offerings:

Tum ti tum... well, that was an uneventful week of international matches.

Hang on a minute – wasn't there that Ireland-France game?

I seem to recall that passed by without any great fuss.

Eire (Ireland only to their friends) were casually brushed aside by a dominant French team who showed they have what it takes to steer a course into the World Cup Finals.

Rank, unadulterated cheating.

Really, though, how on earth did Thierry Henry get away with that disgusting display of deliberate handball?

Yes, I know he admitted to cheating and went over to commiserate with Richard Dunne (after some shameless celebrating), but that doesn't make it OK – it's not unlike shooting a man in the face and consoling his weeping widow before announcing, "Well, I blame the police for not stopping me sooner."

Henry has truly fallen in my estimations from hero to zero; graceful to disgraceful; much-admired footballer to much-hated razor merchant.

Even fractious fruitloop Diego Maradona had the good sense to develop Wenger-esque myopia and Susan Kennedy-esque amnesia so he could claim he headed the ball when actually he fisted it with more gusto than an overeager Essex boy treated to a prostitute for his 18th birthday.

Never mind. It's time for some Premier League predictions – the real reason I'm here – so let's just hope my anger towards a certain va-va-vooming Arsenalhole doesn't get in the way, shall we?

Saturday

Birmingham vs Fulham

Roy Hodgson was deservedly awarded Premier League Manager of the Month for October after two wins and two draws, including a 3-1 goody bag in the Liverpool 'All points must go' Rafa Raffle.
 
You won't see Birmingham roll over at home, though: after drawing with Manchester City and almost winning the star prize in the Liverpool Raffle, Alex McLeish will be confident of a win even without a crocked Garry O'Connor.

What won't happen: Henry to be welcomed into an O'Neill's pub any time soon

What will happen: An away win sends The Cottagers into the top half

Burnley vs Aston Villa

Scotland's not good enough for Owen Coyle, it seems, who ruled himself out of the running for the job as manager of the Scottish national football team.

Apparently, he was tempted by the job until he found out that under new seeding regulations it's legally impossible for a British Isles nation that isn't England to qualify for a major tournament at the expense of UEFA chief Michel Platini's country of origin (go on, sue me).

What won't happen: Villa to drop points against Burnley like their fifth-place rivals Man City

What will happen: Easy win for O'Neill's men dumps Burnley out of the top half

Chelsea vs Wolves

Realistically, even Wolves with their admirable ne'er-say-die we-love-being-the-underdogs attitude can't be confident of getting a point from league leaders Chelsea.

You have to bear in mind for a start that Kevin Doyle will spend most of the game having flashbacks to Wednesday and crying.

Victorious over their Red Devils rivals, Chelsea could take an eight-point lead this weekend if results go their way.

What won't happen: Er, that proposed eight-point lead

What will happen: Result of the season for Wolves as they – no, it's a home win

Hull vs West Ham

You have to do me a favour here: pray with me that Hull lose this relegation six-pointer so this farce over Phil Brown's inevitable sacking can be over (just like Ireland's World Cup dreams and all sense of justice in this world).

Some might say I shouldn't ask readers to subscribe to a religion in a football blog; others would say selling their soul to Satan would be worth it if Brown left football and never came back.

What won't happen: Massive excitement at the KC Stadium

What will happen: A draw sees the Hulls breached but the SS Brown lives to fight another day

Liverpool vs Manchester City

Let's move on from talking about managers on the verge of redundancy and instead consider the fantastic season Liverpool are having under Rafael Benitez.

Like they even need these three points, eh?

Why City have looked so frail at the back, meanwhile, isn't easy to answer, but they will be heartened by the news that Thierry Henry is hundreds of miles away playing for Barcelona, while Liverpool have only his high-diving protégé in the cheating world, David Ngog.

What won't happen: Injury-free 90 minute-games for both Gerrard and Torres, even if they do start (oh, and Carlos Tevez to actually retire next year, as promised)

What will happen: Liverpool, unbelievably, play well and snatch a deserved win to leave Mark Hughes pondering a measly haul of five points from six games

Manchester United vs Everton

Luckily for his team, Alex Ferguson's touchline ban doesn't start until after this match, so they have the benefit of strategic injury time if they need it.

You'll be surprised, I know, to hear that United have scored more goals in the last 15 minutes than any other team this season.

As for Everton, they've won only one of their last 28 Premier League outings against them.

Nope, can't see them managing a second this weekend, unless Henry randomly drops in to give them a helping hand (geddit?!?!?)

What won't happen: Disaster for Ferguson as Chelsea extend their lead

What will happen: Slow at first, United score first and hold on like they do so well – they're the only team in the Prem this season not to have dropped points from a winning position, which, say what you like against them (and I do), is one hell of an achievement

Sunderland vs Arsenal

Hard luck for the Gunners as Robin van Persie faces a six-week lay-off with ankle ligament damage.

Allegedly, Thierry Henry was unhappy he'd been replaced so successfully at the Emirates and hobbled him, Misery-style.

What won't happen: Van Persie's ankle to actually heal any quicker by being dunked into a bath of placenta juices

What will happen: Eduardo to fill in well and Sunderland's stalled progress to stay stalled with another defeat

Sunday

Bolton vs Blackburn

Sam Allardyce takes on his old club while battling the nagging feeling that he's been here before.

While Bolton are only a point clear of relegation but no longer his responsibility, Blackburn aren't exactly flying high with 13 points from 11 games w– the same number Paul Ince amassed in the first 11 games last season before being sacked).

It's enough to make me doubt whether Big Sam is the softly-spoken reclusive managerial genius I've been taking him for.

What won't happen: This Lancashire derby to be in any way interesting

What will happen: Hold on to your hats for a thrilling 1-1 draw (unless Henry, etc. etc.)

Spurs vs Wigan

Well.

I never.

Lordy.

Kill me now.

I just can't believe it.

Never again did I think I'd see the day...not after last year...but somehow...

Spurs are actually in the top four.

Only one thing can happen from here, and that's a sudden drop of form and plummet down the table.

Not that I'm a cynic or anything – I just had all hope sucked out of me earlier this week by a slapheaded Frenchman wiping his arse with my love for the game.

What won't happen: Smash-and-grab Tottenham win – nice and simple

What will happen: Well, a draw: Spurs haven't drawn a home game in 12 matches and Wigan haven't drawn an away game in 12 matches either, so it's inevitably going to be an unlucky 13th for a win-wanting Spurs

Stoke vs Portsmouth

Oh, I don't know, I don't care any more, look, I wouldn't have minded so much if Ireland had deserved to go out but...

What won't happen: Rants like this again – I hope you've enjoyed this week's blog (and found the hidden message within) because there's every chance it'll be my last after this slightly unhinged effort

What will happen: Difficult home win for Stoke

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