Sick children pretending to be excited by visit of Man United players

Kids politely wait for stars to leave, Back of the Net reveal.

Patients at Royal Manchester Children's Hospital struggled to muster any enthusiasm for the visit of Manchester United’s first-team squad, sources report.

The United aces brought Christmas presents to bedridden young fans, who spoke later about how they found the visits rewarding, but slightly awkward.

“Michael Carrick came and spoke to me for 15 minutes,” said Jason, 11. “His chat was pretty one-paced and he’s got no idea how to move a conversation forwards. I think we were both a bit relieved when he went away.”

Carrick then spent 20 minutes conversing sympathetically with Paddy McNair, before realising that McNair looked pale and unhealthy because he was from Northern Ireland.

Rooney expertise

Leukaemia sufferer Annabelle, 13, said: “Wayne Rooney gave me some chocolates, and he had some great advice about hair transplants. Then he ate my chocolates.

“I told him he should manage his decline by adapting his playing style, and he asked if I liked being in hospital and called me a bad word.

“Marcos Rojo asked me who I was, which is a bit ironic.”

The assembled children successfully forced smiles when asked to pose with their new club-branded baseball caps and fountain pens, before visibly relaxing when the players left. Several looked underwhelmed and said they had been expecting a different bunch of clowns.

“They must be in a lot of pain, but it’s great to see them smiling through the sadness,” said Becky, aged five.

Please note: This satirical news story is not real. But you knew that already, right?



Wow! Using the idea of sick kids as alleged humour! That's not satire, that is just a prime example of disgusting gutter journalism. What sort of sick perverted morons do you employ? Maybe you could do a satirical item about your whole staff watching their families suffer from these conditions. Would that be funny? No of course not now crawl back under your fucking stones you shower of absolute scumbags!

This is just appalling. I am aware it is supposed to be satire but - a joke about a child suffering from leukaemia offering hair transplant tips? What is this satirising? Those bloody child cancer sufferers lording it over the rest of us? Staggeringly insulting and unamusing. I hope everyone involved is à) sacked and b) never experiences the pain of the parents and children with terminal illnesses. Merry Christmas!