The Condensed Weekend Predictions - Round 5

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Just 24 hours ago, the blog warned that it was going to indulge in a serious bout of acid-based self-harm if it was bombarded with yet more images of Cristiano Ronaldo. 

So it was less than pleased to face Friday seeing the Madrid man’s stupid, smelly face staring out from the front cover of AS for the third frackin’ day in a row. 

La Liga Loca is now wondering if there are any support groups it could attend to prevent it from doing anything dangerously stupid. Like trying to cross a road in Madrid. 

Unfortunately, Cristiano is likely to be beaming out from yet more front pages after Saturday’s home clash against Tenerife – a game barely worth playing, such is the tedious inevitability of the result.

With a bit of luck, the midfielder will have his booty on the bench for the Canary Islanders clash while Gonzalo Higuaín is given another run-out to prove that he is not now being inhabited by the soul of Deportivo’s Riki and vice versa – as is entirely possible, looking back at Wednesday night’s action.

Kicking off at the same time as the Madrid match will be the leaders of Primera B, Sevilla, who will no doubt be delighted by the prospect of a bruising battle in the Basque Country against Athletic, the last of la Liga’s also-rans to lose their 100% record after a rather lame 1-0 defeat to Tenerife on Wednesday night. 

Barcelona are off to visit a traumatised Málaga team that has now suffered three consecutive defeats and will be adding to that tally on Saturday unless something fairly fantastic happens. 

But the biggest news from their opponents - aside from a juicy spying scandal that the blog will spill the beans on next week - is that Joan ‘Joan’ Laporta, now in his seventh season at the club, has finally learned to shut his trap despite third-party provocation. 

Normally, the King of Cataluyna is one to whip his trousers off at a moment’s notice and launch a big old battle, but this week Laporta was good as gold, despite being criticised by Miguel Angel Revilla, the President of Cantabria, for his nationalist leanings. 

“One must separate characters like Laporta because the Catalan people are fantastic and you cannot generalise them,” snooted Revilla, generalising the Catalan people while sticking his northern nose in where it really wasn’t wanted. 

At 10 o’clock, one club supposedly in a CRISIS face another who definitely are in one with Valencia hosting Atlético. Despite Valencia only losing one competitive game this season, their tendency to drop silly points has lead trouble-stirring papers to suggest that Unai Emery’s position is in peril. Because sacking coaches always works so well for the men from Mestalla. 

However, sporting director Fernando Gómez was poked into poo-pooing such a silly suggestion. 

Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for poor Abel Resino, whose Atlético side have only picked up two measly points from 12 this season. 

After giving him a vote of confidence earlier in the week, club president Enrique Cerezo was at it again after Wednesday’s draw against Almería by scoffing that “changing our coach is virtually impossible, super-hard and difficult.” 

Atleti are set to be without goalkeeper Sergio Asenjo once again, as the youngster is currently on Spain duty with the U20 side in a tough encounter with Tahiti to kick off the mini-World Cup in Egypt.  Ã¢Â€Â¨Ã¢Â€Â¨

The country’s football bosses clearly feel that this is much better practice for the promising ‘portero’ than the Champions League or Camp Nou clashes against Barcelona. 

Sunday afternoon’s encounters kick off at 17.00 with the eminently unexciting Mallorca against Valladolid, a game that will see Manucho trying to make up for lost ground in his promise of 40 goals for the season. The former Man United man still has 39 to go. 

Espanyol face their second match in Cornella in a week against a Xerez team still looking for their first goal, never mind first points. 

Osasuna will be attempting to break a club record by keeping all 11 players on the pitch for two games in a row during the visit of Sporting, who drew their home match with Zaragoza on Thursday. 

Racing travel to Almería still recovering from their traumatic midweek spanking by Barcelona. “Almost nobody could sleep afterwards as they kept going over the game,” sobbed defender Pablo Pinillos. 

The mighty Getafe visit Zaragoza with Pedro “the Beckham of Mula” León looking for another free-kick stunner to match the one against Valencia and fulfil club president Angel Torres’ prediction that “he won’t be with us for long,” despite Getafe only having purchased the right-sided midfielder in August. 

Round five winds down to a contented close with Deportivo taking on a Villarreal side trying to get out of the relegation zone. “Nobody imagined we’d be at the bottom of the table, but we just need one win to get our confidence back,” declared Villarreal’s Bobby Pires.

*You can follow La Liga Loca’s live Bernabeu Twitter feed from 17.45, on Saturday afternoon, as it tries to find something remotely exciting to write about or simply makes stuff up during Madrid's win over Tenerife.

Round 5 predictions

Real Madrid v Tenerife - Home win
Athletic v Sevilla - Home win
Málaga v Barcelona - Away win
Valencia v Atlético - Home win

Mallorca v Valladolid - Home win

Espanyol v Xerez - Home win 

Osasuna v Sporting - Home win

Almería v Racing - Away win
Zaragoza v Getafe - Draw

Deportivo v Villarreal - Home win

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