Johan Cruyff has cut short his spell on Earth to return to the heaven from which he previously descended, it was confirmed earlier yesterday.
A shimmering presence who bestrode the fields of his temporary home armed with a flaming sword invisible to human eyes, Cruyff was loaned to Earth in 1947, as the prophecies had foretold.
“Johan stood out for a number of reasons, among them his determination, his piercing intelligence, and his huge, feathery wings,” said football theologian Bert Packer. “Before Cruyff, or as I call it, B.C., this planet was an unremarkable backwater, but Johan singlehandedly transformed Earth’s entire culture. You might say he showed us the light.”
As distraught fans mourned the loss of their hero, a celestial spokesangel explained that with a talent as great as Cruyff’s, there was never any prospect of a permanent deal.
Back on his level
“The lad did great on Earth, but obviously his place is up here," the angel said. “No disrespect to Earth, but Johan’s in a better place now, surrounded by others who are actually on his level.”
Barcelona fan Daniel Lopez recalled meeting Cruyff in 1976, telling FourFourTwo: “I lifted up my eyes, and looked, and behold a certain man clothed in linen of grana and blau.
“His face was as lightning, and his eyes as lamps of fire, and his arms and his feet like in colour to polished brass."
Earth is expected to permanently retire the number 14 in tribute to the departing Cruyff, with only a small number of objections from mathematicians.
Please note: This news story is not real. But you already knew that, right? Cruyff: a celebration.
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