The curfew busting, foreskin tearing La Liga Preview


Getafe (9th) v Villarreal (3rd)

It’s pats on the back all round for Marca this week, firstly for recognising that a football club named Villarreal exists and that they are doing spankingly well this season, just five points off Real Madrid.

The second and most important cause for this high praise is the fact the paper (which regular readers won't need reminding has a vendetta and then some against one-time Villarreal supremo, Manuel Pellegrini) is so insanely hate-filled that when some poor Marca-minion had to scribe an article concerning Villarreal’s record results in the current league campaign, they still managed to turn it into a slag-fest against the former Real Madrid man.

“Garrido’s Villarreal pulverises Pellegrini!” yells the report. Good work.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Sevilla (10th) v Almería (19th)

Sick-of-it-all Sevilla fans may have been wondering why their team looks so, well, flippin’ awful of late, with three defeats in a row in la Primera. The Andalusian slackers' general hopelessness was partly explained this week, with Marca (yes, them again) leaking the news that central midfielders, Didier Zokora and Ndri Romaric, have been rather too focussed on squeezing themselves into the old disco trousers to play much football of late.

It appears the pair broke curfew by sneaking out of their hotel room at around midnight, just hours before their side's 5-0 thwacking at the hands of Barça in the Camp Nou. Suspicious coach, Gregorio Manzano, only found out after asking for the hotel security tapes which had caught the sneaky escape artists in the act.

The two naughty boys have been hit with a €30,000 fine - a hefty amount which reflects the nightclub-loving ninnies previous as far as going AWOL is concerned. It was the same story in April when the pair went out to celebrate Seville’s annual ‘Feria’ and went straight to training the next morning without having their beddy-byes.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Atlético Madrid (8th) v Deportivo (12th)

Great heights, freezing temperatures,  chemical abuse and extreme mental torture. Four fear factor features that LLL is set to experience on Saturday night when it heads to the south of Madrid to combine the Vicente Calderón stands, the likelihood of the stadium being somewhat chilly in December, the Atleti supporters’ drug-taking tendencies and the coma-inducing stylings of Deportivo.

LLL Prediction - Home win


Athletic Bilbao (11th) v Espanyol (4th)

Five of Espanyol’s ‘B’ team had some footballing fun this week when they all ended up in hospital after a third division clash with lower league Catalan club, Balaguer. The Perico pretenders lost out 3-0 in Wednesday’s clash but most of the damage was done to the players themselves.

Manu Molina will require surgery on a dented nasal passage after a smack on the hooter, while Joselu had to spend 48 hours in hospital under observation after being whacked on the noggin. However the pair will be pleased they aren't goalkeeper Dinu, who has been left with...gulp...a torn foreskin. “It was a war. When I saw the blood in the dressing room I got quite a shock,” recalled the goolie-knacked goalie.

Eric got a nasty knock on the hip whilst Sielva got off lightly with a stomach blow. And no, LLL can’t find any highlights of the game on Youtube, but the world’s eternal gratitude will go to anyone who can.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Sporting (18th) v Levante (15th)

Ever wondered what Levante coach, Luis García, would do if he were given a time machine? Really? So has LLL! In an interview with Marca, García has revealed that he would travel 500 years into the future (when his club will still probably be skint and with veteran defender Sergio Ballesteros still pulling on his boots, no doubt).

Unfortunately, the Levante man doesn’t think it will be all jet-packs and teleports in half a century’s time. “I’m sure that envy will still exist,” muses García. Too true, agrees the blog. Too true...

LLL Prediction - Home win

Hércules (14th) v Málaga (17th)

A lack of training facilities, on-and-off hot water at the stadium and having to travel 14 hours by coach to play and be defeated by Deportivo on Monday appears to have driven striker Nelson Valdez to the brink of quitting the Alicante club - a mindset strike-partner David Trezeguet adopted a week or so ago.

But it was the potentially unnecessary cross country trek that really got on the striker's dangly bits. “Having to travel 14 hours whilst some journalists arrived very comfortably in a plane. It did my head in,” fumed Vasquez. “It’s the first time since I’ve played football that I haven’t seen one director travel with the players,” roared the Paraguayan poacher with a revelation that would surprise no-one.

LLL Prediction - Draw

Mallorca (7th) v Racing Santander (16th)

Sinking like a stone towards the relegation zone, Racing Santander coach Miguel Angel Portugal - and Minister of Magic lookalike from the Harry Potter 7.1 - is still sticking with his ‘motivate the players via the medium of the insult' tactic, despite a run of just one win in five in la Primera.

At the start of the season, Portugal was taking aim at the shooting and penalty taking abilities of his strikers - and not without good cause. But on Sunday, after a land-based trek across the country which ended with a 4-1 mauling by Málaga, the Racing ranter set his sights on his back four for a change.

“I should have changed the whole defence,” blasted Portugal. “Some of these players are overrated.”

Club president, Francisco Pernía, responded by getting the squad together for a shouting session, on Wednesday. “We have to beat Mallorca,” fumed Francisco. “This is our obligation, mine is not to sack anyone.”

LLL Prediction - Draw

Real Zaragoza (20th) v Real Madrid (2nd)

LLL can smell something whiffier than Guti’s breath, and it is oozing from the offices of Marca. On Wednesday, the paper decided to abandon its daily diet of big love and journalistic high fives over the Mou-naldo monster by attacking Pepe on the paper’s front page for “refusing to renew his contract.”

Whenever Marca comes out with such a claim, the suspicion is that the club may have its hand in the story. The tiny-headed central defender's contract expires in 2012 when the Portuguese stopper will be 29. He is apparently demanding a net salary of €6 million, to make him the third highest paid player in the squad, although some €3 million behind Cristiano Ronaldo.

The rather sensationalist tone of the article suggests the paper is trying to brand the defender as a bit of a greedy guts. But considering the ‘lovely off the field, but a bit bonkers on it,’ nature of Pepe, LLL suggests that Marca remember what happened to Javier Casquero’s head a couple of seasons back, when it nearly ended up in row H of the Bernabeu and lay off the short-tempered centre-back.

LLL - Away win

Barcelona (1st) v Real Sociedad (6th)

On Wednesday, LLL had a bit of rant about the general air of smugness and superiority surrounding Barcelona at the moment, in regards to their cantera, beating Real Madrid, having the Ballon d’Or winners, etc...

So we thought we would drop by again to see if the journalistic agenda has moved on to something different. The quick answer is no. And no again.

“Barcelona’s high performance football school!” “The cantera and its objectives!” “Guardiola’s methods and Mourinho’s methods” are the the titles of three editorials from Thursday’s edition of Sport. Although LLL simply doesn’t have the will to read the final one, it would suggest that ‘Mourinho’s methods’ are fairly good considering the Real Madrid boss just won the treble.

The blog will drop in to see if those crazy Catalans have put another sporting shrimp on the barbie next week.

LLL Prediction - Home win


Valencia (5th) v Osasuna (13th)

So - LLL just wants to make this quite clear - Sergio Ramos clatters/maims Leo Messi with a tackle from behind, then shoves Carles Puyol over with a push in the face and receives a one match suspension from the Spanish FA.

Carlos Albelda makes a ‘you’ve got a cheek, you cad!’ sign - harming merely his own face in the process - after being incorrectly given a yellow card for a non-handball leading to a sending off against Real Madrid and receives a two game ban. The same that Tomás Ujfalusi got for nearly snapping Messi’s ankle.

Again, just to make sure that the blog’s got that summed up correctly before it goes off and bangs its head on its desk for a good twenty minutes, after not really understanding anything, really.

LLL Prediction - Home win