Fiiiiiight! 10 of football's funniest on-pitch fights: WWE, windmills and weaponry

Arguments on the pitch tend to result in handbags more than anything, but Nick Moore picks out some of the occasions when proper brawls have broken out. All together now: "We don't like to see that!"

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1. Carlos Diogo vs Luis Fabiano, 2007

Outside the realms of UFC, most fighting is essentially pathetic: face-saving nonsense, bravado and chest-puffery – a dance performed until both participants can back down with their egos intact.

This display of peacocking from Diogo of Real Zaragoza and Fabiano of Sevilla contains several key ingredients: the rutting-goat forehead push, the gentle neck-shove, and finally, the kind of classic windmilling that wouldn’t seriously damage a Mary Berry raspberry mille-feuille.

2. Helmut Haller vs Tommy Gemmel, 1969

A beautiful two-part spat that belongs in a cartoon: with West Germany leading Scotland 3-2 in a World Cup qualifier in Hamburg, Gemmel was scythed down cynically by the German midfielder. The Celtic man immediately saw red, haring after his assailant and sticking a robust size 10 up his arsch.

3. Toros Neza vs Jamaican national side, 1997

The least friendly friendly of all time, this pre-season warm-up between the Mexican league side and the Reggae Boyz descended into total war after a robust tackle sparked tempers. Standard pushing and shoving rapidly devolved into an insane cocktail of blindside clotheslines, flying kicks, and one poor sod even getting hit over the head with a shoe. 

Several Jamaicans then depart to a nearby crop of woodland and return with sticks and large rocks with which to escalate the maiming. Perhaps unsurprisingly, Miguel Herrera – the hot-headed former Mexico manager who was sacked in 2015 for assaulting a journalist – is tooled up and right in the middle of the mayhem.